i cant help it!

by dont wanna say

it all started one xmas,
i was only 11.
one of my friends cut herself once, i didnt think much of it. she explained how it was the only thing to turn to. i was in a long relationship at the time, and found out my boyfriend had to move schools. after that i became all differnt, all upset and didnt really know why. so i turned to cutting, i hated myself for it. i hid it, and tryed my best for no one to see it. when they did, i had to lie... i hated lieing to people about, but i knew it was for the best.
then i carryed on being really upset all the time, i hated it and just wanted to be happy.
then i started smoking...
i lost two of the bestest friends in the whole world over it. it broke me, so i carryed on self harming, i still hated myself for it.
then, i fell for my other bestfriend, so i turned bi.
i ended up kissing her, and she told me she felt the same way to. untill she went off and told everyone, i got bullied so much becuz of it.
then time pasted, lots of things happend and i carryed on selfharming.
one of the worst things to happen was when the boy, i really liked ended it with me. and it wasnt till then i understood when someone said 'heart broken' cuz i honestly felt like someone grabed your heart a tared it up.
around that time, i had my friends back that i lost.
and i didnt hate myself for cutting, i just plan hated myself. it was then when i tryed killing myself quite alot, i just hated life.
but i carred on, a few more boys that wanted to brake my heart, but still none as bad as the other boy.
near the end of year 7, about 2 weeks before i talked to my form tutor, and she said its best to tell my mum. so i did and it wasnt as bad as i thoght, she stuck by me. and then i got school concerling. but that was only for a week then we broke up from school.
it was about 2 weeks into the holidays, and selfharm got really really bad. i got called 'emo' and 'greb' and then i died my hair black, and dressed all emo. i hated life and tryed killing myself many times again. my friend took me to a proper place to sort me out, and im still on a list for proper concelering now. and my mum took me doctors and i have weekly appointments. but then i met this guy, super nice and i knew he was differnt, it was love at first sight. everything was fine, then i saw the boy who broke my heart again, and fell stragit back for him. and i didnt know what to do, by this time (witch is now) i hadnt cut myself for a while. but still thoght of it. and thats my story so far, god knows whats gonna happen. im dreading going back to school, with the bullying and name calling. but if youu selfharm, and are not addticed, trust me. dont carry on, or youu will get addicted and trust me youu will hate it. or just talk to someone, it may be hard but its the best thing to do honest. i pray for everyone and i give everyone my hope to give up and get past this (:

Comments for i cant help it!

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Good for you
by: Bing

That's a great story, you are very strong for stopping, I know how hard it can be to stop cutting and how much you can just want to end it all. Remember when you go back to school that many people feel the same way you do and feel better taking it out on someone, alot of people do not understand. Just keep that in mind and try not to take it personally and let it affect your life.

Peer Pressure
by: S'ambrosia

As long as you continue to look to your peers for your identity, I don't believe you'll be able to stop cutting. It seems that there's a pattern of strong influences from friends followed by cutting or suicidal attempts. For example...your friend explains cutting to you -> you turn to cutting, you lose your close friends -> it breaks you and you cut yourself, the boy breaks up with you -> you try killing yourself, people call you emo -> you start dressing emo and keep cutting. Do you see the pattern I'm talking about? You have so much invested in others that losing them kills you and what they say about you becomes your reality.

Honey, you've got to figure out who you are! Do you realize how much your life is worth and how valuable you are to God?! If you truly want to be free from your addiction to cutting, you need to evaluate what voices you listen to most (God, self, other people, Satan) and focus on God's voice. Let Him teach you how to listen to Him and trust Him.

I've been cheated on by a guy I was in a courtship with (we had plans to get married), but you want to know what kept me from getting depressed? Two things: 1) I was doing a Bible study at the time about trusting God, which taught me sooo much! I didn't have to live in doubt or fear anymore because I knew that God loved me and was in control no matter what my circumstances looked like. 2) I was secure in my identity in Christ and I knew that Jeff cheating on me had nothing to do with my value as a woman. I never thought that since he cheated on me I was less in any way, shape or form. I was confident.

You can have that too, love. Jeff came back a year later and asked me to be in a relationship with him again, but by that time I had fallen so deep in love with God that I wasn't even interested in a relationship (with him or anyone else)! That's my prayer for you, that you would become immersed in the love of God until all these other desires melt away and all that's left is the beautiful jewel that God created in you.

Email me at sambrosiac@gmail.com if you'd like to talk more:)

Much love and many prayers

It's an addiction
by: Star_Marie

I am so glad to hear that you have been able to stop cutting. I struggled with it for a long time growing up, and it becomes an addiction-a way to release pain. Instead of feeling the emotional pain that is going on, we feel the physical pain of cutting which is often easier to bear.

To anyone who is struggling with cutting, it is a coping skill that we learn to use, but one that is not good. I pray that everyone who struggles with this will be able to overcome it. It not only leaves scars on one's body that lead to many questions from others that are hard to answer, but it also leaves a scar in our lives from what we have done to ourselves.

Cutting ourselves does not show respect to ourselves...

One's true identity is in Christ alone. He loves us so much and wants to heal us of our broken hearts. It doesn't come overnight, and it's a life long process. Yet His love in one's life will change you forever!

by: Prayer

That's an amazing story! If people make fun of you for something bad, try to do something good. but don't show off. just keep praying, and it'll be fine. they need to stop doing that. it's not at all the person you want to be. don't take your anger out on other people. don't make fun of others to put yourself up. just pray.


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