Hopeless and Hating

I've been struggling with depression for what seems to be forever. I think it started around fourth or fifth grade. Since depression runs in my family, my mom knew to take me to see a doctor. I have been on various anti-depressents and some of them have helped. But the bad feelings, or whatever, are always there. Lying beneath the surface. I'm good at faking it. After four years you tend to be able to lie about it. I have never been worse than where I am now, though. I have never been this close to killing myself. I had never cut myself until a week ago. I think I will aways be too scared to actually commit suicide, but I want to. I am not in a good place in my relationship with the Lord. I'm doubting and just plain angry. I used to think that God was real because I felt like He was there and I was so convinced. But Muslim extremests also are convinced that they are doing the right thing. Anyway, I don't want to tell my mom that I'm feeling this way because it will only cause her pain. She'll tell me she's so sorry. It's worse than people saying, oh it happens to everyone. So I laugh with my friends, but I find myself thinking about hurting myself and killing myself a lot. I don't know what to do. But I can't deal with the feelings without doing something. I haven't hurt myself badly, but I think I might some time. So, I guess you didn't need to know all that, but it feels good to get my feelings completely out without anyone knowing it's me.

Comments for Hopeless and Hating

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There's deliverance
by: Anonymous

I know its so hard to believe but there is deliverance from this all in Jesus Christ! All these emotions, all these pains, he took on the cross for you...

I pray for you
by:

i have depression too cause of what goes on what helps me not to cut myself is taking a bath or finding a peaceful place i sit in a tree by a creek and catch frogs try to get rid of all your sharp object i have but i keep finding more im here for you

no title
by: cassandra

just remember, God loves you no matter what you do, and He's ready to meet you right where you are. if you need to talk, i'm here.

Youre in my thoughts & prayers 1
by: TJ

Hello there,
I have begun praying for you. Your story has touched my heart and I empathize for your pain and distress. I pray that you can give your pain and worries to our faithful Lord through prayer and Scripture, and He will walk with you and be your strength (Psalm 28:7).
It sounds like you've been going through a really difficult time at the moment? I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be for. Depression is a really difficult thing to go through. I want you to know that you are not alone and that many people suffer from depression, including Christians. So often we think that because were Christians everything is going to be wonderful. While God has does not promise a problem free life, He does promise to be with us when we go through difficult times and seasons in our spiritual journey.
I want to encourage you that although you may feel like giving up and letting go, this too shall pass. I really feel for you because I have also suffered from depression and have experienced how crippling this illness is. I can really relate to a lot of what you've said, but I just wanted to let you know that you're very strong for making it this far. Also, never forget how precious and valuable you are to God, He's not angry or mad at you and He definitely doesn't hate you, quite the opposite - He's love you so much and wants what's best for you.
May you always feel God?s love and protection and turn your sorrows and pains to Him and experience the peace of taking refuge in Him. Please feel free to write back to me and know that I will continue to pray for you and those around you so that you may be at peace. It?s so hard to trust in God when it feels like He?s not there or He doesn?t care or listen to us. I too have felt like this, but can I reassure you that although it may feel that God isn?t there, this is a LIE and He is there with you even thought you can?t feel or see Him. He promised us in His Word that He will NEVER leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). Also, don?t feel bad because you?re struggling at the moment ? God completely understands and He loves you regardless of what you feel towards Him right now. His love for you isn?t conditional. I?m going to write you a little more below...


Youre in my thoughts & prayers 2
by: TJ

Do you know the amazing thing? Even though you have been carrying this awfully heavy burden all by yourself and have been ?faking it? and keeping how you really feel from others, God knows exactly how you feel and He cares more than we can ever understand. Isn?t it amazing to think that God even knows how many hairs are on your head and He knows every single little detail about you because He made you. He also know the plans and purposes He has for you and please let me assure you ? these are great plans to give you a hope and a future, plans to prosper you and not harm you (Jeremiah 29:11). Can I encourage you to possibly talk to a doctor or counsellor if you feel that you can?t tell your mum how you feel? I understand that this a huge thing to ask but I really think it may help you (I speak from personal experience).
Also, may I encourage you to try and stop hurting yourself because the longer you do it, the harder it is to give up. I have struggled with depression for the past 19 years and had struggled with self-harm for 12 years (I may sound older, but I?m only 23 ;-) I just want to let you know, I know things may seem hopeless right now, but with God all things are possible (Luke 1:37). And to be honest with you, I still struggle with resisting the temptation to self-harm daily, but you what ? only by God?s grace ? I?ve been ?clean? for 3 years in September. Also, I still have some tough days when I struggle getting out of bed, but it really helps me to know that God will give me the strength I need to do what needs to be done.
It is not God?s will for you to be hurting and struggling, no rather He came so you could have life to the full (John 10:10). Is really sounds like you?re being spiritually attacked and the thief is trying to steal away your hope, future and life. Hang in there, God is faithful and He wants to help you through all of this.

Your sister in Christ. TJ

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