Fighting Anorexia

by CD
(MNL)

Usually when life spirals out of control, you try and look for that last thing you can control. Mine was my weight.

My parents fought and separated during summer, I with my mom and my brother with my dad.

Without them in the house, there was barely any junk food, no one to bother me and lots of space to exercise. So I started exercising. Then dieting.

It made me feel pretty great, you know?

Slowly but surely, I'd look at myself in the mirror and see the same old chubby me, but I'd put on this pair of white skinny jeans that were tight and they'd hang off my legs and ass. A pair of loose skinny jeans? You'd think I was all "Whoa, weight loss! Great job." but I was more "New pants, more weight loss."

I went to parties that summer. Dancing and drinking. I'd get hung over. I hated being hung over so I came up with a solution. Purge before going to bed. It was only for when I was out to parties or drinking or both. Then it became for times when I ate out, when I couldn't control the portions they gave or stop myself from finishing my food. Then for when I was at home. Exercise. Diet. My bones began to poke out. I looked awesome.

I was brushing my teeth one day then I started to floss. I flossed my front bottom teeth and small bits came off with the floss. I freaked. What would happen when I went to the dentist? Would he notice? Worse, would he tell? I stopped purging. But started starving. Purging doesn't really trim you down anyway. I starved. I lost a pound a day on average. Everyone told me how thin I looked. I said thank you.

School started again and I stopped losing weight. I still diet, I run track. My mom says I'm building muscle mass. My parents got back together. Whenever I binge, I take it into my bathroom, chew it up then spit it out. Still better than throwing it up, right?

I'm still fighting. I just don't know what for. I want you to be strong. Don't care about what other people think of you, it only matters what you think of you.

I'm trying.

Comments for Fighting Anorexia

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CD
by: Brenda

I know you are trying! You are trying very hard! That's great that your parents got back together. How is your relationship with your parents? Can you talk to them about problems that you have? Like your eating disorder? Keeping a secret like this could end up killing you. It sounds like you enjoy track, and that's great. You have to keep in mind that you have to eat right to be able to have the energy to run. A dentist can tell alot about your health by your teeth and gums. He will know that you have a eating disorder. You need to end the secret now. Don't wait any longer! I'm praying for you CD! I pray that you will find the words to tell someone very soon about this. Try praying to the Lord about your eating disorder. He can help you find the words. You have strength to do this CD! God Bless You! Love in Christ!

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