Dad, where were you? God loves me more than any guy can

by Mandy
(New York)

I believe that dads have a very important role in their teenager's life. Unfortunately I never had that father.

I have a father and actually he is a pastor of a small church in my town but he has never been there for me. Ever since I can remember he was NEVER home. I remember countless times when I was younger holding onto my dad's leg as he was walking out but his job was more important.

By the time I was in 8th grade I was used to my dad not being home but then a tragic accident happened and he broke his leg so he was home for 15 weeks. I thought to myself, this can be a chance for my dad and I to get closer in our relationship but, still nothing.

All he did all day was watch TV and expect my mom to be there for him hand and foot. He treated my mom like trash and my siblings and I got to watch all of it.

After the 15 weeks had passed by he went to the doctors for a check up on his leg. We found out that he had a blood clot. We also found out that my dad fears dying because after the doctor told him that he could have died if we didn't see him earlier my dad slowly sank down in depression.

Little did I know that the next three years of my life would feel like a living hell to me and my brother and sisters. He would wake up in the middle of the night and go up to my older sisters room to ask her if she thought he was saved and he would tell her that he wanted to kill himself.

What Christian man and a pastor at that would ask those kind of questions? Through this time my older and sister and I grew closer in our relationship because we were all each other had. Unfortunately, my sister, like a normal girl, needed someone to love her. She needed love from her dad but because she wasn't getting that she searched for it elsewhere.

One day in church there was this kid who knew all the words to say to her. He was her prince charming, but he was a hypocrite. Everything he told her was a lie. He even put on a Christian mask so that my parents would like him.

My sister kept slipping though and I watched every minute of it. I was her shoulder to cry on every night when she would cry herself to sleep. I had to go through the torture with her and I was only 14 at the time.

This boy that my sister said she "loved" treated her like trash, but told her that he loved her. Because she got the attention from him she stayed with him and I had to deal with the torture for the next two years. What hurt me the most was the days when she told me that she might me pregnant. I've always wanted to be an aunt but this was way too early. My sister wasn't ready for this.

It was about the second week when we found out that she had miscarried the baby. It was sad but it was for the better. To this day my parents don't know that their oldest daughter was pregnant and I don't know if they will ever find out.

My sister went off to college last year and she has progressed so much. I am so proud of her - she has realized that God loves her more than any guy can ever love her. I didn't realize this fact until just a little while ago.

I started going down the same road as my older sister. I craved the attention of boys because I didn't get it from my dad.

It all started when my brother and I went to the park to play basketball. I met this boy he was everything I wanted. He was cute, he was good at basketball, and mostly he like ME. At that time in my life I had a low self esteem. I never thought I was beautiful and this boy made me feel beautiful.

It started with him just holding my hand and then it went to touching my waist and then he started trying to kiss me. Although I liked this attention deep down I knew it was the wrong attention. My mom told me everyday that I was beautiful and I didn't need any guy telling me that.

It wasn't until the beginning of this year that I realized I didn't need guys, but then, unlike my sister, alcohol was an option. It made me feel better it took away my problems at least for a time. But that's the thing...it was only for a time. When I became sober I still had to face the problems.

After crying myself to sleep every night for a month I told myself this was it. I started doing my devos and getting closer to God. This year I have made God my best friend and he's the first to hear about my problems before anyone else. I have finally realized that God will love me more than any guy can and he will never let me down. Because of his love for me, the least I can do is love him back