A Different World Inside of Me

by Elana
(California)

My name is Elana. I am 16 years old and i have suffered from anorexia for 3 years. From the way things are going now, i will be suffering from this addiction for years to come also. When i entered the High School in my Californian neighborhood, i was normal. I was an average weight, an average height and an average person. Except for one thing, i had a determined attitude no one i knew could top. I was active in my schools cross-country team and ran an average of 6-10 miles a day.

i ate normally, no more no less than anyone else. However, despite my excercising, i was never quite as skinny as my other friends or the other girls on the team. I had a flat stomach and toned arms and legs, but i was never skinny enough. But i was not engrossed with weight at this time.

Toward the end of x-country was when i noticed i finally looked slimmer in my clothes and i was very happy with my appearance. ( it takes months of excercise before your body gets to where you want it to be, so this is shy it took me so long to notice weight loss) When x-country ended, i stopped running and enjoyed all the free time and laziness as any teenager would. i still ate the same amout of food as i did when i was running, so my weight gradually krept up. I hated it. i loved my flat stomach and hated these new pounds that hid it.

I was friends with an anorexic and i loved the way she looked. i knew how little she ate, so i decide to try some of her tricks. I stopped eating anything fattening like meat, any type of candy or dessert, fries chips, you name it. I stopped eating breakfast. I stopped eating Lunch. But by dinner, i was starved and usually pigged out. I didnt lose weight untill 2 years later when i realized i had to eat nothing to lose weight. Dinner was wrecking me! So i started going on Pro ana sites to get tips and tricks and reasons and thinspo. I was addicted, and still am, to these sites.

I still want to lose weight, but have trouble controlling the desire to eat. i know i need help, but i am no where near being ready to get it. i need to suffer for a while first. i need to accomplish what i set out for to do. i want Anorexia still. I feel comfortable with her. I love her.