What I still think was overeacting...

by Beth
(Nashville, Tn.)

Well where do I start? I guess with my dad. My dad tried to kill my mother. For years he tried to hurt her by using me. He would say he isn't going to bring me back and other stuff that would make mom cry and get worried. He told me that she was useless and completely stupid. He would tell me that I wasn't his. That mom had cheated. He would throw stuff and make me clean the mess up. He would just walk out in the middle of the night and not come back for hours. My dad was crazy. He did other stuff to me that would make me feel useless, and stupid, and just like I shouldn't be here. So I guess he emotionaly and physically abused me.

I haven't seen my father since August 16, 2008, it's now September 19, 2011. So it't good that I got away from him, but he still lingers... I still feel like I'm useless, stupid, and that I shouldn't belong here...
I found a guy that I had really really liked. I thought I was going to be with this man for the rest of my life. He broke up with me last year. I was really suprised and got really depressed. I began to get over him and liked a new guy, but this guy (let's call him Tom) never dated any girl. He wasn't gay or bi; he just didn't date. He also didn't like me, if he was to like anyone it would have been my sister, Clair. He told his deepest secrets to her, he said he felt more comfortable telling her stuff then to me. So with everything not going the way that it should go, I got depressed. I just couldn't take it anymore and i got out my arrowhead necklace and cut myself. It never bled but my arm would swell. And then it did start bleeding. Then my arrowhead got dull and it no longer made me bleed. So one night I got out a knife and cut myself. It felt amazing, like the world was now on my side that everything was ook. So I did it more and more. It got to a point where I knew I needed to stop. So I started trying to write letters to people that I felt words were left unsaid. It made me feel better, sometimes.
I still cut, I can't stop. I don't tell anyone because I know they'll be angry with me, and they won't understand. I always feel like this is a battle that I have to fight alone.
I know that the people who created this webpage would tell me to find God. Read the bible, go to church. I don't believe in God, nor shall I. I think that if he was real, none of this would have happened. I think that God "died" very long ago and is no longer real. I don't believe in heaven or hell. I get so mad when people talk about god it annoys me so much... So thanks for listening to my story..

Beth