Self-Inflicted Misery

by Ashley
(Mass)

I am 20 years old now, and self-harm is still part of my life. It's the worst feeling knowing that relapse is just around the corner and that it won't go away. I am getting better, and the cutting isn't as bad as it used to be.

It started when I was in 9th grade. Something triggered it, something small. I showed my friend and that was the first and last time I would ever let anyone know about it. I continued to cut, stopping periodically, but never longer than a few months at a time. They made me feel good for a short moment and then they left me as nothing.

It hurt so bad for a long time. I would try to cover them up, and sometimes people would ask questions. I knew far too many excuses, so I always got out of it. I never asked for help because I feared what people would think of me. I was scared. I was alone. I was depressed.

Everything terrible was happening to me and I didn't have a way out. I thought about suicide. I thought about how I would do it. I thought about plans to kill myself. I wrote suicide letters and kept them in my computer. I cut myself more and more.

It often seems like it is a part of me that won't ever go away. I know that one day, and I am still hoping for that day to come, that I won't cut anymore. I seem to feel alone without it. I don't have any other way out of this pain and no one understands. Sometimes I feel like there is nothing worth living for, while other times I feel like I love everything about this life and couldn't give up, ever.

I am still working on getting better, and I will work on it every day. Now that I have come out with my story, a lot of people have showed me support. I feel like I can do this.