Why me...?

Hey, im Star. Im 14, and ive been cutting off and on for two years. When im around other girls, always feel so ugly, intimidated, and like im never going to reach that kind of 'pretty'. All my friends say i am, but i honestly have never saw a pretty girl looking back at me in the mirror. Not on the outside or inside. To my friends, im this cute, fun, bubbly girl that has not a problem in the world, but they have no clue. I hate having to pretend to be happy when im not, every single fricken day. I dont think the personality they see is 'fake', because thats who i was before, and thats who i want to be again, but im just not that right now. Also, i feel worthless in my parents eyes. I dont necesarily get abused; I mean, i was thrown against a door when i was eight, because my step dad has anger problems, and ive have my nose twisted around and been slapped across the face a few times,but i dont consider that as serious abuse because there are millions of kids out there that get severely abused every day. But the most abuse is emotionally. I'll be having a conversation with my mom, and all of a sudden she'll get mad at me. So of course living with that, the tension builds up and i cry. Then she'll think of somthing else to say, and come in my room and start screaming in my face. I try to stop crying, but i just end up crying more until she leaves and i fall asleep. Then i usually wake up in the middle of the night to text this guy im absolutley in love with, so i can have someone to turn to, because he always makes me feel better and takes some of the pain away, and when i got him it makes me feel like i actually have a purpose for living. We arnt dating, but have considered it alot, and he tells me he loves me every day and that im his everything, and he couldnt live wihout me. Well he DID say that.. Now in the past month its like hes forgotten all about me because he has a girlfriend now. So i started cutting again out of anger, saddness, feeling like ill never be good enough for him. , ect. i cut like every day now. I just want to be alone all the time because i have these random times where i just want to break down and cry, and i dont want anyone to see me like that. I can never tell my mom about this, because i was watching a show with her one day and this girl about my age was cutting, and my mom thinks ppl that cut are crazy and suicidal. But there is a big difference between being depressed and cutting, and being suicidal, because i know im to scared to commit suicide, i just suffer. Only a few of my friends know about me cutting, but i dont bring it up much so i think theyve forgotten. They freaked out when i first told them too so i dont want to bring it up again. I dont want to see a counsoler or anything either, because i dont need it. I dont cut deep enough to kill myself, and if i stopped i would probably go crazy by drowning in emotions and tears. I mean, i want to stop, but i want to see hope and stop on my own, but i dont think any is coming my way.

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Hope
by: Melinda

Don’t give up on hope!! God is there for you and He always will be. Even though you are going through some trials right now, He is there right beside you and He will never let you go. I’m so sorry that you’re going through so much pain right now. However, I do understand a little of what you’re going through. When I was 13, I was emotionally abused, suffered from severe depression, and absolutely hated myself. I was treated terribly by one individual and was constantly criticized and humiliated. I started to believe that I was ugly and worthless. I dreaded going to school. I didn’t want to talk to anybody and I just had so much pain. I didn’t really think things were going to get better. Although, I did think about suicide and wrote a note, I never attempted it. Instead, I turned more towards God and he has helped me. I started to get more friends and became more involved in school activities. It does take time to heal, but know that you can heal too.

Also, please don’t get your hopes up too much on this guy. He texted you and said that he loved you, but now he has a girlfriend. He doesn’t seem like the type of person you should put your trust in. By his actions, you can’t trust his word. Please don’t tear yourself up because of his actions. If he couldn’t hold to his word about loving you, then he definitely is not right for you. However, there are guys out there who truly are loving, trusting, and care deeply for a person. There are guys out there who won’t lie about loving someone.

Throughout high school, I had my hopes up that maybe one of the guys who I had a crush on would notice me. However, it took me time to realize that I couldn’t place my hope in being noticed by a guy. I needed to trust God and to trust Him to take the lead and allow the right guy to find me.

Although, you have a lot of pain right now, please remember that God will always be there for you. He won’t leave you. Turn to him and place your trust in Him. Please also try to talk to someone about your cutting, feelings, pain, and emotional abuse. Any sort of abuse is never right, no matter who it’s from. Talking to someone about these issues though, will help with the healing. And, don’t let one guy make you feel down. There is someone out there who is right for you and who will love and care for you genuinely. You just need to place your trust in God that He will lead you to the right guy. And pray!!

Things may feel rough right now, but believe me there is hope. When I was younger, I felt like the pain wouldn’t end and that things would never get better. However, God will help you through these situations. God will take care of you, as He has also helped me. Today, I’m 23 years old, am happily married, and have a job. There is hope! Place your trust in God!

“Surely God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid, for the Lord God is my strength and my might; he has become my salvation.” (Isaiah 12:2, NRSV).

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