When I Got Popular

When I got to middle school, all I wanted to do was hang out with the 'cool girls'. They were skinny, beautiful, athletic, and they had such healthy appetites. Back then, at the beginning of seventh grade, I had no problem with my body. I didn't think once about calories.

One girl was on my school bus, and I invited her to sit with me one day. From then on it was a regular thing. But it wasn't until I became friends with these popular girls that I really started to be self conscious and jealous. I started to hate food, it made me bigger (even though at the time, I was 100 lbs and 5'3) than the rest of them. I was extremely unhappy with my body.

Now, near the end of eighth grade, I have been through popular boyfriends- an abused,drugged up boyfriend who I loved (so I thought) and I have never been more unhappy with my body. I skip meals, and some days, don't eat. I get so happy when I am empty - so proud. Now, at 5'5, I fly between the 100-120 on the scale. I have recently lost 10 lbs, down to 110, and my goal this time is 95. My major problem is binging, when I am infront of my parents. (Strange, I know. This way they see me eating, but once I start, i can't stop. They are the only people I eat in front of, though.) I don't think I am anorexic, but I know I am on the way.

I count calories in everything, and i hate exercising but do it anyway. It is getting to the point however, that I am afraid of strength training because muscle is so heavy. All I want is to be small.

And I will be.

Comments for When I Got Popular

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A matter of heart!
by: Julie

I sincerely pray and hope that you are able to find hope past your circumstances that seem to bring you unhappiness and discontentment with who you are. I say that as such a strong statement because our world will offer you contrary beliefs. We are constantly told that we are not good enough, and that the way to improve our lives, our relationships, and our sense of worth is first through the senses, the body, what is temporary. I feel that what you are really getting at when you talk about what is going on is a loss of your heart..and it translates to whatever will make us feel more complete or with power. It is easy to feel powerful when we can have success in something tangible, even if it is something that we distort, like our food intake or our body’s original or functional size.

I am not sure where you stand with God or in your faith, but I encourage you to read some of the encouraging Scriptures. It may seem funny to consider the Bible as encouraging when it seems filled with difficult language and complex or seemingly out of date stories. But there is so much we can learn from the plight of so many warriors for Christ in the pages of the Bible! Life was not easy for those who followed Jesus; often it meant doing what was NOT popular and with people who were NOT considered to be the coolest. Jesus’ message was radical. I would love to see Him today among crowds who were only considered about the most temporal and alluring aspects of our culture..how much we eat, what we are wearing, who we are dating, what size we wear. I am not saying you are vain if you or your friends think and consider these things important..I know it is hard to be a teen today, and I am not so far removed from those days myself when I worried about the same things. We crave acceptance, but know that supremely, God accepts you just as you are. Here on Earth, the best we can do in finding that sort of acceptance, is resting in knowing that we will never find people who compare to our Father in Heaven, but we can use the resources and skills he has given us to make choices about who we hang out with and where our minds go…that means centering ourselves on things that will last. I urge you to get involved in something that can pull your mind away from your weight. It is a dark and scary road to have the kind of goals you’re describing…in the end it is up to you to decide what you treasure, but the book of Mathew says, where your treasure is, there your heart will be. It is important that the treasures we store up on this Earth will last, and most of what we put our time and hearts into, just won’t.

Prayers for you,
Julie

response
by: Author

Julie,
Thank you for your comment. I have recently begun attending the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and the Scriptures have done amazing things for me. I truly believe that i have turned my life around, i am now a healthy 120 pounds in ninth grade, and thank you for your encouragement.

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