When I Got Popular
When I got to middle school, all I wanted to do was hang out with the 'cool girls'. They were skinny, beautiful, athletic, and they had such healthy appetites. Back then, at the beginning of seventh grade, I had no problem with my body. I didn't think once about calories.
One girl was on my school bus, and I invited her to sit with me one day. From then on it was a regular thing. But it wasn't until I became friends with these popular girls that I really started to be self conscious and jealous. I started to hate food, it made me bigger (even though at the time, I was 100 lbs and 5'3) than the rest of them. I was extremely unhappy with my body.
Now, near the end of eighth grade, I have been through popular boyfriends- an abused,drugged up boyfriend who I loved (so I thought) and I have never been more unhappy with my body. I skip meals, and some days, don't eat. I get so happy when I am empty - so proud. Now, at 5'5, I fly between the 100-120 on the scale. I have recently lost 10 lbs, down to 110, and my goal this time is 95. My major problem is binging, when I am infront of my parents. (Strange, I know. This way they see me eating, but once I start, i can't stop. They are the only people I eat in front of, though.) I don't think I am anorexic, but I know I am on the way.
I count calories in everything, and i hate exercising but do it anyway. It is getting to the point however, that I am afraid of strength training because muscle is so heavy. All I want is to be small.
And I will be.