whats going on?

by noelle
(california)

k..so my name is noelle and i was 12 years old when i chose to stop eating. but my family were the kind of people who loved to eat but i couldnt stand the way i looked any longer, so i would get away with not eating breakfast or dinner but i had to eat lunch and a few snacks when they were looking, but it was killing me in the inside all i wanted was to lose a few pounds and thats all that mattered in my life. i knew how dangerous it was. but i had no regrets. at school i would just wait for my friends to finish their lunch, but no food would ever enter my mouth. i started checking everything i ate nd made very long list of stuff i could never eat. my family had no clue of the battles i fought within myself. it hurt so badly.i couldnt handle it i was always mad! everyone around me said i was just perfect not fat but not paper thin and i was just sick of being in the middle i wanted a better position i wanted to be SKINNY. SINCE my parents expect me to eat all the time i didnt lose wieght as fast as i planned but in a week i lost 2 pounds..thats when i thought that this was possible and it was going to work, but after a month everyone around me saw my eating habitts change. my parents couldnt have possibly handled it worse. they saw what they wanted to see, and i know they did what the could to help but they were doing it very wrong.(i am much diffrent than everyone in my family)instead of helping slowly get around my many issues, they demanded me to eat and much larger portions than i could ever handle. and even before all this i already had arguements with my parents in my head, and now i just despised them more. its like they forgot about Me and they only cared about eating. i was as devastated as they get. but nothing could stop me like i said i was crazy!!it would be a million times harder but for once i was going to get what i wanted and do things my way.but the thing is it wasnt about insecurity or attention. i hate attention nor do i need or want it(specially now i wanted the least attention possible) but i was far from insecure maybe even a little of a snob somtimes.but i really suprised my friends and family, but i couldnt find myself to care about that because all that mattered to me was my image. and goodness i was just so angry,depressed,and full of sadness 24/7 i hated my parents every single second of the day. in the mirror i saw the exact opposite of what people saw me as..but beside what you see in an anorexic even if their forced to eat and even if they dont lose dramatic amounts of wieght..anorexia mostly goes on in someones mind and unless you could read our minds and feel what we put ourselves through..then help can almost be impossible somtimes. and actually i do want help but i just cant let this go until i loose at least 12 pounds. im turnig 13 this december and i hope things will brighten up by then