whats going on?

by noelle
(california)

k..so my name is noelle and i was 12 years old when i chose to stop eating. but my family were the kind of people who loved to eat but i couldnt stand the way i looked any longer, so i would get away with not eating breakfast or dinner but i had to eat lunch and a few snacks when they were looking, but it was killing me in the inside all i wanted was to lose a few pounds and thats all that mattered in my life. i knew how dangerous it was. but i had no regrets. at school i would just wait for my friends to finish their lunch, but no food would ever enter my mouth. i started checking everything i ate nd made very long list of stuff i could never eat. my family had no clue of the battles i fought within myself. it hurt so badly.i couldnt handle it i was always mad! everyone around me said i was just perfect not fat but not paper thin and i was just sick of being in the middle i wanted a better position i wanted to be SKINNY. SINCE my parents expect me to eat all the time i didnt lose wieght as fast as i planned but in a week i lost 2 pounds..thats when i thought that this was possible and it was going to work, but after a month everyone around me saw my eating habitts change. my parents couldnt have possibly handled it worse. they saw what they wanted to see, and i know they did what the could to help but they were doing it very wrong.(i am much diffrent than everyone in my family)instead of helping slowly get around my many issues, they demanded me to eat and much larger portions than i could ever handle. and even before all this i already had arguements with my parents in my head, and now i just despised them more. its like they forgot about Me and they only cared about eating. i was as devastated as they get. but nothing could stop me like i said i was crazy!!it would be a million times harder but for once i was going to get what i wanted and do things my way.but the thing is it wasnt about insecurity or attention. i hate attention nor do i need or want it(specially now i wanted the least attention possible) but i was far from insecure maybe even a little of a snob somtimes.but i really suprised my friends and family, but i couldnt find myself to care about that because all that mattered to me was my image. and goodness i was just so angry,depressed,and full of sadness 24/7 i hated my parents every single second of the day. in the mirror i saw the exact opposite of what people saw me as..but beside what you see in an anorexic even if their forced to eat and even if they dont lose dramatic amounts of wieght..anorexia mostly goes on in someones mind and unless you could read our minds and feel what we put ourselves through..then help can almost be impossible somtimes. and actually i do want help but i just cant let this go until i loose at least 12 pounds. im turnig 13 this december and i hope things will brighten up by then

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You need God in your life to direct your path
by: Sarah

Dear Noelle,

I think that you are too young to be going through all this. Although I don't know how you look like and whether you need to lose weight or not, from what you have written, it seems to me that you yourself know that you are not overweight. You wrote "everyone around me said i was just perfect not fat but not paper thin and i was just sick of being in the middle i wanted a better position i wanted to be SKINNY."

My dear, why do you want to be skinny? Don't do it just because you want to be like somebody else. Don't do it because someone says you should. Don't do it because you feel that will give you more confidence. Don't do it just for fun. Don't do it because everyone else is doing it.

Do you know that skinny people also want to gain weight and probably reach your weight but cannot?

You see, the most important thing is not whether you are skinny or normal sized, it is to be contented with who you are and how you were created. You were fearfully and wonderfully made by God. And I don't know if anyone has told you this before, but you are beautiful just the way you are. And I don't need to see you to tell you that. Because God has told me so. He created you just the way you are, and He did not plan for you to suffer like that. He wants to tell you that He cares for you more than anyone else in the world does, He cares for your health, for your spiritual matters, He cares for your relationships with your family and your friends. He cares about how you feel, what you think. Will you spend a moment with God today, just telling Him all that has happened and pour your heart out to Him? When you cast your cares on Him, He will help you. He will not disappoint you.

And it really hurts me to read your words:
"but it was killing me in the inside all i wanted was to lose a few pounds and thats all that mattered in my life. i knew how dangerous it was. but i had no regrets."
"but i couldnt find myself to care about that because all that mattered to me was my image. "

You know and I know this, because you have written: "anorexia mostly goes on in someones mind"

I believe you know that you are not fat. You are healthy. And your family only did what they did because it is probably the only thing they knew how to do. But they did it because they love you and care for you, and cannot bear to see you torture yourself for no good reason. Don't put your family in misery. Forgive them, and put this behind you.

You do not need to be held back by anything that happened in your life, and you can always make a decision to step out of it.

If God is speaking to you today, don't ignore Him. He speaks to your heart. Listen to Him and grow close to Him. Speak to Him and learn from Him. Cast all your cares upon Him because He cares for you. He knows your innermost thoughts. He has a plan for you, a plan to give you hope and a future. Come to the Lord today.

In Christ,
Sarah

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