unspoken life

by Katherine
(Tennessee)

I am an 18 year old teen girl who has been cutting since the age of 9. i have cut for 9 years now and i have tried so hard to stop but it seems just when im ready and willing to stop something always happens to make me start doing it again. At the age of 9 my parents were always arguing and fighting over little things. thats what made me begin to cut. That kept going on for 3 years. At the age of 12 i realized that i was a lesbian but i didnt want to tell many people and get shund from the world. People don't take well to gay, lesbian, and bisexuals. I started cutting a lot worse when i figured out that i liked girls. At the age of 15 i tried to commit suicide twice both failed attempts. My parents later found out about me being a lesbian and disapproved of the whole thing. That made matters a whole lot worse and a whole lot harder. My mom completely disagrees on my choice of being a lesbian. She disapproved of all my relationships and all the girls i would talk to. At times she wouldnt even let me go see them or even talk to them. At the age of 17 i tried 2 more attempts of suicide and again both failed. My mom pretty much told me that i wasn't a lesbian everyday and how i was making a mistake by dating girls. At the age of 18 (which is how old i am now) im still cutting and still burning myself to get away from the pain of my mom not accepting me for the daughter she had. She tells me almost everyday how i make bad choices and how i mess up alot of things. And as a teen thats something thats hard to hear especially coming from your parents. I have a girlfriend now and we have been together for almost 6 months. My mom tells me everyday how i messed alot of things up for my life, and how i dont know what love is, and how i dont know what im doing with my life. It's so hard to deal with college, and my mom on my back about me being a lesbian. My cutting has worsened since the age of 9. I have tried to get help but honestly the only person who has ever helped me is my girlfriend. I am trying to stop cutting for her sake and for mine too. But it just takes time.

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Cut The Cord
by: Rae

Sorry to hear about your struggle with cutting...but perhaps you ought to stop worrying about pleasing your mum. You're pretty much an adult now, your mum lives her life so why shouldn't you do the same? A lot of the times we feel at our worst when we know we've disappointed people; but see the thing about people is that they're bound to fail you...their hands get tired of holding you up and so they will let you down. I'm not sure where you're at spiritually but I know that things work out much better when you start trying to please God because he won't ever fail you, and he's got enough patience to wait for us to kick all our habits.
On the issue of cutting: been there done it..got the scars. Scars aren't nice. They make you feel ugly..why would you want to feel ugly when you know that you were FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made...that someone saw something so good in you to say 'yes, you're worth dying for'? I know its become a part of your life but it you shouldn't make it a part of you. I urge for your own sake to find another outlet to deal with your pain and frustration: art, music, dance, yoga, talk/yell at God let him know your pain and frustrations...he's always there. Also I'm pretty sure your mum loves you even though she doesn't agree with the things that you do. I pray you find your way
Much love xx

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