Trying to be Thin

by Jessica
(Waco Texas)

My names Jessica. I am 5 feet four inches and i weigh 113 pounds. I fit into size zero jeans and am aware of being over weight but somehow my eyes tell me other wise. I wish i could tell you where it started, but in order to do that i would have to go back to the VERY beginning.I was happy once. I mean i felt happy. Their was nothing that could stop me from doing what i wanted. Back then i couldnt understand how people could do drugs, cut, starve, or hurt themselves. Today I cant even imagine how anyone can make it through the day without going crazy like I do. I feel so alone. Nobody not even someone with the same life story could keep me company if tied to me by handcuffs. Its like a battle and im all by myself, suddenly I want to join the other team. Anorexia that is... People say you cant just wake up one day and say "oh im going to catch an eating disorder today!". That is partially true. In my case it was all about peer influence and my desire to be pretty. I always thought i was beautiful and thin. I would take pictures of myself that at the time i would admire and flaunt, today i cant even imagine how i got in the state of mind to even look at it myself, all i could see was disgusting gross greasy love handles and feel my legs touch and sometimes irritated. I was a size three? i weighed about 125 pounds and soon went up to 130 because of athletics and the muscle i was building. I thought it was disgusting. So i started making plans. i started planning diets. i started gaining weight back and losing it and it would go on and on. My grades dropped and i got kicked out of athletics for bad attitude. Everything changed after that.

It was my freshmen year and I met new people. One girl I became really close to. Ill just call her Nina. Oh dear lord she was a hot mess. Size zero, skinny arms sunk in eyes. she was beautiful when you first met her,but in the end she was just pure pain. Guys thought she was beautiful. I was jealouse. I wish i looked like that. I felt disgusting and repulsive. Soon I became bulimic. Nina confessed she was bulimic when she found me purging and soon we were closer than ever. She betrayed me eventually blaming drug abuse at school all on me. We got expelled. She lied, my parents cried, i was strung out. I weighed 127 pounds. It had not helped me loes weight which made me even more mad.The story goes on from their.

Now i weigh 113, im planning on going lower. i want to be 100 pounds. sick...but its what i want the most. I want a perfect body, i want something to make me feel different, i want attention i want to stand out. I agree with the over protective parent thing because to this day they can not understand the more they try to help and do my busness the more im going to keep going downhill. Do i want to get better? i do, but i want to stay skinny. I HATE FOOD. i havent eaten all day. i guess you could call me anorexic but I dont feel like it. I feel like a Fake wanna be. I feel gross. I have my good days but soon are messed up and ruined. Im sick but i cant accept that i need help, I dont want help. I want thin, but i want everyone happy too. I cant imagine being big like i was. i cant. i love tight expensive small jeans. I love my Eating disorder even if its killing me. I want to ask people to pray for me but i cant imagine it working and then ana going away. I feel as if my eating disorder is distancing myself from god so that it wont be forced to go away. How can something go away when half of you commands it to leave and other side, trying to disguise its self as sanity is grasping on to it? God help me be thin and content.

Comments for Trying to be Thin

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going back to yourself
by: Tatiana

Hi Jessica,

You realize that you are in trouble and need help, and this is already a good start. The problems you have to solve for yourself are the following:

You distance yourself from other people, and you are afraid to open your heart. You would be surprised with how many people can understand you, can feel your pain, and want you to be happy, beautiful and loved.


You realize that your eating disorder is a problem of you feeling ruined and messed up. Even though in the beginning anorexia looks like a “tool” to keep your weight under control, in the longer term it is always the way of self-rejection and depression.You have to make a conscious decision to change your life to the best, and God will help you with this change.

It is very natural that you want to stand out and be different. However, deep inside you are already the person you want to be. Instead of rejecting yourself and criticising the way you look, go back to yourself and try to connect to the beautiful spirit you have and let it shine through. Try to make the list of things you are good at, list of qualities you are gifted with. Audrey Hepburn, who always considered herself too skinny and too flat, gave the following advice to her fans:

“You have to look at yourself objectively. Analyze yourself like an instument. You have to be absolutely frank with yourself. Face your handicaps, don't try to hide them. Instead, develop something else.” Audrey declined the offer to cap her uneven front teeth, she also refused to pluck her heavy eyebrows. (source: http://www.famous-women-and-beauty.com/audrey-hepburn-style.html).

Jessica... Your desire for attention and love is natural. You deserve it, and you will certainly come to the point that you find your true love. Right now, it is important that you learn to nurture yourself physically and spiritually. Learn to love what you have got and learn to thank God for your gifts. Explore yourself, use your gifts, and open your heart to other people.

Life is too beautiful adventure to miss. Don't live in pain. Believe that you can change your life.

Love.

Tatiana


Change your thinking and see the real YOU!
by: Keza S

Who is telling you, your not pretty ,is it you?
If so then YOU gotta correct your thinking.
People see you as you see yourself. Remember this !

My next question is how did you go from thinking you were
beautiful and thin to NOT THINKING IT ?

When we focus on one aspect in our lives it causes so
many other issues,as you said your attitude changed to bad,
and your grades dropped. You gotta get the WORLDS
image of what you should be and look like out of your head
and focus on the image in whiich GOD made you. (this is
hard I know I battle this as well)
Do you know GOD makes no mistakes and that He made
you so your are perfect the way you are. What you believe is
what others see and believe.

Read your Bible focus on what GOD Tells You , pray daily spend time
talking to Him .God tells us in His word not to throw away your confidence
it will be greatly rewarded (Hebrews 10:35-36 )

You can be a size double 0 and guess what people will not like you because of that
people will find a reason not to like you,this is the ways of the world.What will make people
like you , love you, admire you, adore you and see your BEAUTY and get the WORLDS
attention is your character. Your attitude !

Focus on it and your will feel a since of Love like never before for yourself and this is the
best love it will draw the right people into your presence. Your Attitude will
make or break you. See yourself through the eyes of a young woman with healthy
self esteem God created you to be. Things will change, you will change and it will be for
GREATNESS. We are not all dealt the same cards so no ones life is the same.
But what we take from it and change it to for good will reap great rewards.

Thank You.
by: Jessica.

thank you so much! I didn't expect any comments on my story. Especially since my grammar was horrible! I'm very thankful and apreciate it! A few moment ago my mind wasn't in it's brightest states and I was completely thinking insane thoughts and being so selfish. God really loves me if he led me to check up on this and find these two comments. thank you so much I will read your comments over and over again and follow your advice! You have made a difference in my life. thank you and god bless you guys!

xoxox

Jessica O !

Great things
by: Keza S

Hi Jessica !

I am so glad you found some comfort in our words.
I will continue to pray for you and although you may not know or see it
yet I know God has a greater design for you. All that you have been going
through, the difficult times will not be for NO REASON. This will strengthen you
for greater things. You take care of yourself and remember you are
BEAUTIFUL , you just got to believe it and remember it !

Love Keza !

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