Smokey Lonesome ):
I am 16 years old. I will be 17 in August. I was born in 1993. Its like almost one o'clock in the morning but i can't sleep. I always find myself being paranoid.. I'm home alone. I'm not paranoid now, just lonley... I guess thats why I'm typing this. It hurts me to read some of these stories online. Here is mine- I think I began to cut my arm in 8th grade, but it wasnt deep enough to leave scars. I told my friend it was cat scratches when she saw it and got angry at me, she knew i was lying.. I remeber this one guy popping me on my head and telling me not to do that anymore 8th grade summer vacation when he saw my arm. But I don't have scars from those cuts. My first two permanent scars I left on myself were in the middle of 10th grade. I can remember it like yesterday.. I can remember how i felt. I don't ever want to feel that way again.... I felt so NUMB after All these thoughts and emotions came into me one Thursday after school. Which I remember that day, I came to school very high and had to get up in front of a class full people in 1st hour who all knew I did drugs back then, and I did this presentation on WHY DRUGS ARE BAD. I felt pretty guilty after it was over because I knew what I was saying in the presentation was right and I had been doin drugs sinse I got into high school, and yet I continued to do them, anything other than meth, crack, or shooting up... I was doin. I was having problems with my social life.. still do. I moved out of my parents house when I was 15 and moved in with my close friend in a trailer park. My parents lived like 700 miles away. That was when I discoverd that if I had a dope dealer boy friend I could get the product for free just by hangin out with him. (not a good idea) I let it get away from me. At the end of freshman year I just kinda moved in with my boy friend at the time . . . I regret ever meeting him. ugh. anyway - so yea back to the cutting myself thing. After I cut myself that time right there in the middle of 10th grade. I felt like I didn't belong "here" anymore. I dropped out of high school and isolated myself in New Orleans. Where I knew no one... Given time to sit and think about myself I realized how much I deserved to cut myself. I realized I deserved much more.. I realized HOW MUCH I TRULEY HATED MYSELF! I could say i hate my life, but honestly I hate myself....... still do. My past is not something I am proud of. I cut myself and left another scar not that long ago. The physical pain of the razor is not nearly as intense as the pain inside me. It hurts every day.... Even when I smile, I am crying inside. I am scared inside. I am lonley inside. I have never prayed before in my life.. I don't know if I ever will. I don't forgive myself for the things I have done, why should I ask God to?? - Now I am pregnant.. hope its a girl, I want to name her Ember(: I thought about getting an abortion my mom said she would pay for it but the girl I used to live with told me if i did she would never speak to me again.... I thought about it, and murder is how a human rips their soul in half. If i were to get an abortion i would murder my own child.. I know my soul might not be pure but I don't want to rip it in half. The guy that knocked me up sold drugs, he might still sell them i don't know I hope not/ and also he has a bad addiction to meth. I don't even remember getting pregnant because I was so messed up on the xanex he gave me. Right after he got me pregnant he gets this bright idea to rob the little grocery store directly in front of his house..... knowing I am pregnant.... SO HE WENT TO JAIL! then I had people tellin me he was on the front of the news paper and he was charged with more than what he had told me. I went and saw him in jail once. When he got bailed out he called me and him and his mom came and got me and I stayed with him for 3 days. I realized then I can not raise my child around the people he knows... (drugs and crime) since then he has not called or text me once. It has been a few months now.. I texted him one day and I let him know what was up. I said, " I cant have my kid around all that stuff you do. You have to change for me and your baby. You have to get a job, quit doin drugs, and crime in general. If you don't then you can just go on with your life and forget about me. I wont even ask for child suport. . . but truth is, I just want to save you, I don't want you to live this way anymore. You were raised this way , how can I just expect you to change all of a sudden ?? You can be the dad you never had... all you have to do is try... I beleive in you " I don't know if he will change. But I hope so... I quit doin drugs and smoking as soon as I got pregnant. And now that I have a baby to think about I don't need to be doing that stuff when it comes out either. Or have it raised in that type of environment. So now, I am trying to get my G.E.D. and look to go to a community college of some sort. I still want to cut myself at times. I still hurt inside. I still have suicidal thoughts.. but one time, not long ago I had a dream my mom told me my dad killed his self. I felt all the emotion in my dream. I don't want to make any one feel like that. But I want to end my suffering. I did horrible things when I was younger. Things I will never forgive myself for. I know I am probably not the only person who feels this way.. and i realize people get what they deserve. (i mean, some stuff people don't deserve -but what you do to another will come back to haunt you) FEAR ! I don't tell people but I got raped once, it was the first time I ever "had sex" with him -I don't want to say by who because he is in this story. I remember saying no I don't want to more than 5 times but i guess he didnt care... When it was happening all I remember thinkin was Why is "he" doing this to me... I thought he was my best friend/ x boy friend. I made him stop and leave right after that had happened. I didnt speak to him for about 2 months.. I don't remeber what made me want to start talking to him again... maybe it was because I quit school and I had no one else to talk to. I told him I was going to kill myself one time when we were walking down the road and he said , if you kill yourself I am going to kill myself. It made me feel like some body cared. But I don't know if he really cares....
back ground check: My parents got divorced when I was 8 or 9 I don't know. I didnt like my step father, he was an alcholic red neck. He died of drinking too much years after my mom and me and my brothers moved out. After hurricane Katrina my dads trailer got damaged, it had 3 trees through it. So my dad just kinda moved in with my mom even though she was married to that other man but didnt live with him. My mom takes her life out on me. I let it go.. but I still don't like it very much.... sigh* shes my mom I gotta love her. Perhaps having a child of my own will make me appreciate my mother more.
for now I sit and type but where will my future bring me? I don't know. I hope one day everything will be all right. Until then I will always be lonley and hurt inside. Maybe my baby will make me not lonley (: i hope it doesnt hate me..... I just want some one to love me. Deep down I don't think I can ever love myself.
P.S. I know others do not understand why I cut myself. Or why you might cut your self. But ... I don't think it makes anything better. Find simple things to be happy about, think about what you take for granted. Don't take everything out on yourself... *Katie Catastrophe*