Scarred but Beautiful

by Taylor
(USA)

So many girls that I know hurt themselves in some way, whether it is by cutting, scratching, not eating, or some other destructive behavior. When I try to talk to someone about self harm, a lot of times the person says something like, "Well, you wouldn't understand," or "You just don't get it, you're so happy." But I do understand. On the outside I have always been a happy, outgoing girl, but on the inside I have been dying.
I grew up pretty normal; I was semi happy, although I always had a tendency to be on the angry or upset side. I was just always very passionate, and whatever emotion I would feel, I felt it to the max. My biggest problem growing up was one no one knew about; all growing up, I was emotionally and sometimes physically abused by my father. No one else knew, not even my mother, and I felt so alone. When he told me that I was stupid, worthless, ugly, untalented, and useless, I believed him. As I got older, I began to hate myself. I started ti get into an eating disorder, which would be something I would struggle on and off with for years.
I felt ugly, stupid, and useless. I felt like I would never find someone who really loved me, like I would never find my place in the world. I felt different from everyone, I felt like I was alone even in a room full of my friends. When I was 16 I started to cut. I started because I was so angry and I didn't know how to deal with my anger without hurting someone. I knew that someone had to be me because I couldn't deal with hurting my loved ones. I started it so "innocently" not knowing that it would turn into an addiction that I would struggle with for years.
It just kept getting worse and worse and I never felt any better. I had grown up as a Christian, but I felt so far away from God. That was the worst part for me. I felt like God could never forgive me, like I was too screwed up for even Him to love me. Finally, one day, I realized that I had been looking for love and peace in all the wrong places. I realized that I needed God and that He had never left my side. He had seen every single one of my cuts, and each one hurt him too, but He was still there, with arms wide open, waiting for me to come back to Him. He thought I was beautiful, He thought I was amazing, and He had a purpose for me beyond my wildest imaginations.
That was a year and a half ago. I still struggle with the temptation to cut, and I am not beyond falling or messing up again. But I know God's there to catch me when i fall, and he wants nothing more than for me to overcome this. Just remember three important things that I learned the hard way:
1) God never EVER walks away from you...He is ALWAYS right there beside you, waiting for you. You are never too far gone, he will always forgive you.
2)He loves you more than any love you can possibly imagine. In His eyes you are gorgeous, talented, amazing, and He loves you enough to DIE FOR YOU!!!
3. You are so special. You have things to offer that no one else does..and you are NEVER alone!!!!

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