Red tears...

by Filipa
(Portugal)

Hello! I'm portuguese. I was searching about self-injury and I found this site. I am a self injurer, unfortunately. I started to self mutilate on this year, in November. I started when I received one test that didn't meet my expectations.High expectations. So I started do deal with my problems through the cuts. I cut when i'm depressed, when i feel alone and empty, when I'm angry... But, I use a mask! Nobody knows how I feel! Not even my best friend! I smile everyday and I make people think that everything's fine with me. Why I keep secret? Because nobody will understand. If my parents find out I'm dead! For them I'm a perfect girl who will be a doctor and I will receive a lot of money. It is stupid!

I cut to feel the relief that i want, to feel alive sometimes. But i cut me too to punish me when I can't make my parents happy with my marks.
I just want run away, but I know I just can't...
I can't go on like this...My skin wears scars and cry red tears...

Kisses*
PS: I apologize for my mistakes on english.

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My story
by: Laura

I used to be like you in a lot of ways. I used to injure myself. Not by cutting, but I did beat myself. I would find ways to give myself bruises and if I was sore the next day I just reasoned to myself that I deserved it. I felt pressured to be perfect in every way, looks grades, etc. if I felt like I didn?t measure up, I would just punish myself. So I understand the addiction that it is. No, I didn?t tell anyone because I didn?t think it was a big deal. I also didn?t think that I deserved better. But all that changed. You see I have had a relationship with the Lord, but it was rocky because of the stuff that I was doing to myself. Instead of accepting God?s grace and mercy I choose to take it out on myself. I figured that I didn?t deserve God?s love and forgiveness. Anyways, I went to a Christian summer camp that year. During a sermon, the speaker urged those that needed to surrender their sin to go up front and talk to the counselors and receive prayer. I didn?t go up at first, (I was afraid, etc.) but I felt God telling me that I needed to get up there, now. So I went up and talked to my youth pastor?s wife. Turns out that she had been praying for me for a long time because she knew that something was going on. (I was depressed.) After talking to her and surrendering my problems to the Lord, I was free. For the rest of the time I was at camp I grew closer to the Lord and by God?s grace was able to break out of my depression. I can?t exactly describe the feeling. But it was amazing just feeling free. When I got home sometime later I felt like I have messed up and was about to go hurt myself again. Then I realized that because Jesus took the punishment for us when he died on the cross I could just go to him and ask for forgiveness instead of taking it out on myself. That was a big breakthrough in my life. Well that?s my story. All I can say is that you need to cry out to God. Let God heal you and take control. He does love you and care for you. Here are some verses that will hopefully help you out. :)

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.- Isaiah 35:5 (Talking about Jesus.)

And He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed.- 1 Peter 2:24

The Lord is near unto them that are of a broken heart; and saves such as be of a contrite spirit.- Psalm 34:18

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