My Silent Thoughts

by Matell
(Saint Louis, MO )

When my mind begins to wonder; my emotions, feelings, and thoughts feel scattered

I hold so much inside and sometimes i feel like im on a never ending latter.

No one understands what i go through in this pain i feel within.

So the only thing i could do is hold it in.

I hurt with the thought of having no one beside me through this pain.

It seems like everything goes blank and can't even remember my name.

I wish i could have a normal life like those i see on an everyday basis.

It makes me sad to see other families laughing and joking with smiles on their faces.

Wishing that was me living a happy life.

But family is something i grew up learning to sacrifice.

One day i wish i could full fill my dream and become someone i wanna be.

Not someone like you, not someone like them, but someone like me.

I feel like im left in the world with no place to turn to.

But i need strength and faith to make it through.

My only resort is to pray to my savior up above.

But sometimes i dont feel like he's listening to what i say outta love.

Sometimes i have no choice but to cry myself to sleep.

Because being awake while i cry makes me weak.

I dont like to think about my life or everything i go through.

Because there's no one here listening as i speak, like my mouth doesn't move.

Life is just too hard and i wish i could have someone to share it with.

Because being alone in the world with no ones understanding makes me sick.

Its like im living on the edge outtah control and the world jus won't let me slow down.

Because when it seems like i reached the top, i fall back to the ground.

Im so confused is there a way to make me understand.

Mom on drugs, dad showed me no love, no one there to lend me a helping hand.

Is it bad to think to yourself whether you're worth living or not?

Whether you belong in this place called earth or not?

I guess its an unknown question that could never be answered.

Taking life day by day is the only thing left for me to do.

I smoke, I smoke, and smoke to relieve my stress.

But when my high comes down everything is a mess.

Maybe its just a test, or maybe im just a nervous reck.

Who knows? Not i.....but i know one person who do.

But why dont he make a better life for me so i could too.

One day i hope to find out what my purpose in life is for.

Destiny and life is something i strive for.

No one could possibly feel the feelings i feel inside.

Im afraid of the outcome so the only thing i could do is hide.

Behind my face is a weeping soul.

These are some things no one knows...and some things that i withhold.

But why do i withhold these feelings if it hurts me soo bad?

Like i said...there's no one i could turn to nor know the struggle in life i had.

I wish someone could walk in my shoes for a day.

They would finally realize and see the type of stuff i had to deal with day by day.

Its time to make some changes in my life so i won't feel this way.

But what type of changes should i make in order to have faith?

I guess its something to look forward to each day.

But i wonder how long this process is going to take.

I've become a person i dont even know.

But this is because i dont want others to see the person they really need to know.

I want to become a better person for your eyes to see.

But within that person. She's hurting sooo deeply.

I put on a front so people think my life is so easy.

But my feelings won't let me, because in reality im still that same person who needs reasoning.

Every thought, every dream, every word can't be expressed how i want.

Please save and deliver me from this nightmare i come upon.

People say you only get one life so live it to the fullest.

But i rather not because the life i live is not something i wanna cope with.

I try not to cry because when the tears are done,

Everything remains the same and im back at stage one.

I've grown up to learn to be a strong individual and stay independent.

The things i know are the things i had to teach myself each day i spent.

Living on the streets and in cars wasn't the life i asked for.

But it was given to me and i can't take it no more.

Im not saying that i am not grateful that i have life.

Because some people dont know what its like to have breath.

Im jus saying that can this breath i breathe be pure and relieve of stress.

So i could at least be happy and proud to take the next breath.

I know my life could be taken in any second in time.

But im climbing, and climbing, and yet i still continue to climb.

Until i reach the top and finally say i made it.

With the wish and a prayer..i remain in gods hands.

But there is nothing else or more i could say.

And the only thing i could do is turn to the lord and PRAY....