My Silent Thoughts

by Matell
(Saint Louis, MO )

I LOVE US ALL!!!

I LOVE US ALL!!!

When my mind begins to wonder; my emotions, feelings, and thoughts feel scattered

I hold so much inside and sometimes i feel like im on a never ending latter.

No one understands what i go through in this pain i feel within.

So the only thing i could do is hold it in.

I hurt with the thought of having no one beside me through this pain.

It seems like everything goes blank and can't even remember my name.

I wish i could have a normal life like those i see on an everyday basis.

It makes me sad to see other families laughing and joking with smiles on their faces.

Wishing that was me living a happy life.

But family is something i grew up learning to sacrifice.

One day i wish i could full fill my dream and become someone i wanna be.

Not someone like you, not someone like them, but someone like me.

I feel like im left in the world with no place to turn to.

But i need strength and faith to make it through.

My only resort is to pray to my savior up above.

But sometimes i dont feel like he's listening to what i say outta love.

Sometimes i have no choice but to cry myself to sleep.

Because being awake while i cry makes me weak.

I dont like to think about my life or everything i go through.

Because there's no one here listening as i speak, like my mouth doesn't move.

Life is just too hard and i wish i could have someone to share it with.

Because being alone in the world with no ones understanding makes me sick.

Its like im living on the edge outtah control and the world jus won't let me slow down.

Because when it seems like i reached the top, i fall back to the ground.

Im so confused is there a way to make me understand.

Mom on drugs, dad showed me no love, no one there to lend me a helping hand.

Is it bad to think to yourself whether you're worth living or not?

Whether you belong in this place called earth or not?

I guess its an unknown question that could never be answered.

Taking life day by day is the only thing left for me to do.

I smoke, I smoke, and smoke to relieve my stress.

But when my high comes down everything is a mess.

Maybe its just a test, or maybe im just a nervous reck.

Who knows? Not i.....but i know one person who do.

But why dont he make a better life for me so i could too.

One day i hope to find out what my purpose in life is for.

Destiny and life is something i strive for.

No one could possibly feel the feelings i feel inside.

Im afraid of the outcome so the only thing i could do is hide.

Behind my face is a weeping soul.

These are some things no one knows...and some things that i withhold.

But why do i withhold these feelings if it hurts me soo bad?

Like i said...there's no one i could turn to nor know the struggle in life i had.

I wish someone could walk in my shoes for a day.

They would finally realize and see the type of stuff i had to deal with day by day.

Its time to make some changes in my life so i won't feel this way.

But what type of changes should i make in order to have faith?

I guess its something to look forward to each day.

But i wonder how long this process is going to take.

I've become a person i dont even know.

But this is because i dont want others to see the person they really need to know.

I want to become a better person for your eyes to see.

But within that person. She's hurting sooo deeply.

I put on a front so people think my life is so easy.

But my feelings won't let me, because in reality im still that same person who needs reasoning.

Every thought, every dream, every word can't be expressed how i want.

Please save and deliver me from this nightmare i come upon.

People say you only get one life so live it to the fullest.

But i rather not because the life i live is not something i wanna cope with.

I try not to cry because when the tears are done,

Everything remains the same and im back at stage one.

I've grown up to learn to be a strong individual and stay independent.

The things i know are the things i had to teach myself each day i spent.

Living on the streets and in cars wasn't the life i asked for.

But it was given to me and i can't take it no more.

Im not saying that i am not grateful that i have life.

Because some people dont know what its like to have breath.

Im jus saying that can this breath i breathe be pure and relieve of stress.

So i could at least be happy and proud to take the next breath.

I know my life could be taken in any second in time.

But im climbing, and climbing, and yet i still continue to climb.

Until i reach the top and finally say i made it.

With the wish and a prayer..i remain in gods hands.

But there is nothing else or more i could say.

And the only thing i could do is turn to the lord and PRAY....

Comments for My Silent Thoughts

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What A Writer You Are!
by: Anonymous

Matell, what a wonderful writer you are! Your words sounds like they were being spoken from the core of your being - they were so transparent and gut-wrenchingly honest - you have the gift to inspire - what a blessing.
I am also moved Matell, because I see your quest to know, your desire to change and to "be". And you're right dear heart, God is the ONLY ONE able to answer that prayer.
He promises in His Word, "even if your mother/father forsakes you, I will lift you up". That's an awesome promise, right? I want you to do something for me, think of it as "homework". Look up the following scriptures and meditate on them - go to a church that will teach you how to understand the scriptures and hear God's Voice as you read God's Word. Also write down the definitions of the following words and see yourself - see His hand upon your life - "see Him SEEing you" - and receive that wonderful revelation that God knew you before you came out of the womb. That's not hype - it's the TRUTH. But it's not enough that we know it - you Matell got to know this for yourself in order to have hope. Hope empowers you to receive the grace to forgive and move on. To get up "in spite of". To become brand new and start all over again by the power of knowing of His great love and care for you. This lesson is not a quick work - but it's a sure one. As you learn this Truth, day by day, you'll change - you'll see things - life - people-from a different vantage point. And from the core of your being will now come forth - like a river... (you're going to be so blessed)...peace that floods your soul. Matell, God loves you - has only good thoughts for you and has an ordained destiny planned out. It's yours, but you got to discover it. That new life is found in Jesus Christ. This is going to be a two part answer, sorry for being so long winded, but I truly wanted to try to encourage you for I sense the LORD really wants to do some great things for you. I'm going to stop now and give you that assignment in part two (smile)...

What A Writer You Are! cont.
by: Anonymous

Okay precious, here's your homework:)....
Psalm 139, Jeremiah 1, Ephesians 1, Philippians 3, Romans 8, II Corinthians 5:17, I John 5 - study and meditate each and jot down your thoughts - what is that Word saying to you? Go to a bible study where you can ask questions and be taught how to apply It into your daily life. It's a progression so be patient with yourself.

Now look up these words and see their connection to the scriptures and to you. Get a sense of your value and worth. Get a sense that you're not alone and come to know this great TRUTH, you Matell are loved by God. That you my dear, have a Never-leaving Companion. I'm getting ahead of myself, here are the words...

Will, Pre, Chosen, Destination, Predestined, Purpose, Plan, Destiny, Calling

Matell, you didn't just "happen" upon this site, ABBA Father guided you here. You guided you, His daughter to a site where there are those who have come to know these great Truths for ourselves. We know He is the ONLY ONE able to do the impossible things - make a way where there seems to be no way - change us and give us the power to get up empowered with an anticipation about out our future in spite of the pains of our past. So this is not hype or theory, we know that faith in Jesus Christ removes the old and brings the new.

So precious, we speak blessings upon you and will keep you in our prayers. Stay in touch every now and then just to let us know how you're doing and how we can pray for you!

We love you Matell!


Thank yu so much
by: Matell Walker

OMG I WANT TO THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. NO ONE HAS EVER SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO ME. YOU HAVE BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES AND I CANT STOP. YES I WILL DO ANY HOMEWORK THAT HELPS BETTER ME AND MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD. YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH YOUR WORDS ARE APPRICIATED. I WILL CONTINUE TO POST MORE OF MY POEMS I FEEL ARE REALLY GOOD AND I HOPE YOU LIKE THEM. AGAIN THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH.
IT JUST AMAZES ME HOW I DONT KNOW YOU, BUT YOU HAVE GIVEN ME MORE ADVISE THAN THOSE I DO KNOW. I REALLY FEEL ALONE AND IM TRYING SO HARD TO MAKE IT. (MERCI MERCI MERRCI)

L0VE MATELL W.

Oh my gosh
by: Anonymous

oh my gosh, matell. this is like exactly how i feel. i feel so alone in this world and everytime i try to explain my feelings no one understands or it just doesnt sound the way i feel. i decided just to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. i dont know what to do. im studying my bible more and the "homework" you were given im doing too! i want to be so much closer to God and get all this pain out of me. i thought i was the only one in this world who felt this way becuz no one understood. thankyou!! thankyou for posting this poem! i kept reading and i was like.. hey! uh! i mean i was speechless! you described exactly what i feel but i have to admit you didnt say all of what i feel. like you said no one can know the feelings you feel. thats me! i feel like im alone in a cold world where no one cares and i desperately need help. yes, i sometimes too feel like God doesnt hear me. sometimes i ask myself if i really believe there is God. and im ashamed to say that. i want to be closer to God too and it is sooooo confusing yet wonderful. thankyou for posting! :D

hey
by: Anonymous

hey matell i absolutly loved your poem i write poems as well i love writing an your poem just inspired me more thanks matell... keep writing you should write a book.

My silent thoughs
by: eva perkins

I cried,cried cause it hit close to home,I once felt like u. BUT i no today u got to make yourself fill better and I want u to no your not along,THANKS ALOT I REALLY ENJOYED IT

Eva
by: Anonymous

I try and be a much better person today and try to keep faith in GOD... the struggle is hard, but the storm is over... Sending love your way...
Thanks so much for your post.
Sincerely,
Matell W.

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