my life after the cutting

by amber
(washington)

I'm 25 now but I use to cut from when I was 12 to about 17. I was raped when i was little and i felt unwanted by my mom and was abused by her. I was over weight and felt like I wasn't smart or athletic like my older sister and brother were. I hurt inside so much and if I tried to tell an adult they would get mad at me or tell me I was being a baby and being selfish, didn't I know everyone has problems what made mine more important but if when I told one of my only friends it made her sad to hear what had happened to me and I didn't want anyone to be sad because of me. So I found the only thing I could think of and that was cutting. I tried burning and just sticking myself when i ran out of room where people wouldn't see it. But the cutting was what seemed to help at the time. I was lucky and a had a couple of counselors over the years and we talked about what was going on and about things I could do instead of cutting. and it always sounded so good in the sessions but for some reason I couldn't ever think of them or make myself do the things we had come up with when I need to release the pain. they tried me on meds and some of them made so hyper I couldn't feel sad even when something happened that I knew I should feel sad about and then one made me want to comit suicide and the scary thing was I didn't even know why I was feeling the way I was I just knew that was the only thing I could think of doing. Thank the lord I wanted to say good bye to my family over the phone and even though I played happy and go lucky when I tried telling my dad good bye he wouldn't tell me it back and he kept me on the phone with him until someone could come get to me and help me and keep an eye on me. I know the lord was working there because later down the road I was talking to my dad and he told me that the lord had pressed on him that he needed to not say good bye and that I was okay like I said and pretended to be. over the years God has saved me and shone his love for me in many ways and I came to really depend on him and it took me a couple years and in fact I still strogle with it today but if I give my worries and pains to God it helps me to be okay enough not to want to cut. I have had a lot of trials and tribulations over the years, the loss of my unborn twins and then again the loss of another unborn baby, I have lost everything I owned, I lost my freedom for over a year though the loss of my freedom was of my own fault. I was in abusive relationship I couldn't seem get out of for almost 2 years and then getting "sick" and yet through the grace of God and his love for me I have been able to over come everything without cutting and he has blessed me with a son that hopefully will be born any day now a family that I am closer to now then when I was younger and a soon to be husband and step daughter who I love and they love me for who I am. things that i always wanted but could never even phantom having. Please I share my story in hopes that u will remember that if u trust in God and give it to him over time things will get better. that doesn't mean bad things and things that are hard to deal with wont happen it just means you don't have to feel like your the only one going through them he is always by your side, and you just have to allow him to help you carry the burden.

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