My Journey to God... He pulled me out of despair & brought me into a life of Joy!
Life, Before and After a miracle...
Alot of people, especially young people, ask me why i choose to live for God, it confuses them, and my answer in its completion is far too vast to have in one sitting, but here is just one part of the answer, and by no means the main part, but,even if you can see just a glimpse of what God can do in a life, it may help you understand and relate, even just a little....
this is a long read, but it is from my heart. the following consists of literature, if u can call it that, before and after my life changed miraculously...THIS is what life was like before Jesus.... in only one area of life.. relationships.. the rest.. is another terrible story all together.. i wrote all of these things when i was a teenager of 16 yrs old........
When i close my eyes, in the darkness, in the patterns of my head, i see you in every possible way. Smiling, laughing, teasing. I see you up close and at a distance. You dance around my brain and sleep in my eyelids. Your stick in my head and won't get out, so i fear each time i blink.
You wont wash out of my eyes like the sleep in the morning does, you wont rinse off my skin like the days dirt. You wont fall off my shoulders like the hair cut off my head and you wont eventually fade out like an ache in my ears, you'll torture me instead.
Whoever said "Love hurts" was the craziest being who ever breathed. To make such an understatement is almost insanity. Yes love hurts when it cuts out your heart, yes, love hurts when its doomed from the start, but when your heart is wrenched suddenly from your chest by the hand of the one you loved, then shoved carelessly back in again, marked and bruised, love doesn't just hurt, it kills. Kills your soul.
I think that's how you got into my head. You climbed through the hole you made in my chest when you ripped my heart out, and when my wound started to heal, you became a prisoner inside me. An unwanted prisoner. We both need you to leave. I need to move on but every time i try, i feel the pressure of your hands against my forehead.
Then i see you standing there right in front of me. Living and in full colour. But its a stranger, a traitor, a poser. The real you is trapped inside of my head. I try to push you out but you insist on punishing me for falling in love with you. Maybe, if i keep on crying, you'll trickle out and let me be... please...
set me free?
then.... it got worse:
LEAVE ME ALONE:
You can't hurt me anymore, i've learned this time. You can't creep in anymore. Your a lethal substance, You cant even be poured down the drain, you might crawl back out. I shut the door in your face and you just came back through. I threw you off the cliff of my mind but you taylored wings while you were falling and flew back in my way. You will not leave me alone and my heart cannot take your burdening prescence anymore.
Ive learned. Ive become wise to your tricks. I made a mistake giving myself to you, blinded by first love. I'll never give you the chance to manipulate me again. Don't talk to me, your voice is a lie, don't look at me, i might just die. Stop calling me, i can't take the temptation, might take you back, but i can't... i wont...I don't want you around anymore, i wont fall for your tricks again. I can't even keep you as a friend. Your too decieving, too cruel. and its all just a game to you, but now that i know, i can play too.
Leave me alone, you no longer have a say. You'll never hurt me again. I feel so used, so dirty like i can never be cleansed. You've scarred me and made me think it was my choice when it really wasnt... how could have i chosen wisely when my heart was being pumped by your words alone? I cannot sweep you under the rug because ill still see the lump and know that your there. I cant roll you up and throw you away coz i'll stumble accross you again someday so iv'e just got to accept we are living on this same earth. But i'll be covering my chest when you are near, just incase you try to charm my heart again, you can't do it if i black you out. Please make it easier, just leave me alone.
I think i am healed but the scars still show, But only i can see them, so nobody knowsAnd im glad that's the way it is, im so relieved nobody sees how you've affected me. You've infected me. Your a disease, leave me alone. You took the one special thing i had left. You smiled and tricked it out of me, forced it from me. I want what you took from me back. I want to give it to someone who deserves me... in NEVER forgive you...leave me alone.
i want to crush you in the bin and throw you out on the kerb tomorrow morning, but i know you'd somehow make your way back, so instead, i did it to my blinded emotions. and now that i see clearly, all your beautiful skin has gone dull grey, those deep blue eyes of yours have become pools of caution and your words have become meaningless before they are even said. So leave me alone, your nothing to me, just a past mistake, so keep on walking, just leave me alone.
BUT THE STORY DOESN'T END THERE.......
one day, i found Jesus, the lover of my heart, keeper of my soul, my everything. He healed me and caused me to forgive the ones who abused me mentally and the one who abused me physically.... Jesus set me free from this and many other opressions in my life. I never told anyone even half of the things that happened to me.... but now i want to make a difference, i want to show people what Jesus Christ can pull you out of. If your depressed, abused, have a sense of hopelessness, if your angry, scared, sick, whatever it is, GOD can lift you out.. there is nothing.. NOTHING too hard for the Lord. He changes lives and brings you into a life of purpose and love. Joy and fun. i love Him with everything i am and all that is within me.
I didn't come from a believing family, in fact i came from a VERY broken home. I was neck high in confusion and sin when the Lord pulled me out! His presence hit me and I've never ever turned back! Take one step, he does the rest. I visited a church with a friend who i worked with when I was 19... the praise and worship touched my heart and I KNEW. I gave my life to the Lord and iv'e been set free! Im happy, prosperous, i have my own wonderful family, we love our lives and will serve Him forever!
WHERE DO BROKEN HEARTS GO?:
Where do broken hearts go?
it depends on where you take them.
some take them from bedroom to bedroom,
some take them to a friend to lean on
some take them to the bar
some take them shopping (lol)
some take them to food...
i took mine to Jesus, and He mended it, made it whole, and showed me how to live again. How to live better.
you see ITS NOT ABOUT RELIGION...is about RELATIONSHIP. God is love, He is not Lord of disclipline although many religious freaks will make u think that!
i suggest, taking your broken heart to the one who made it when you were formed in the womb. It was pure and fully functional when He first made it... He can repair and nurture it back to its perfect state again
trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
i cant express enough, how truly awesome God is. i am eternally greatful and i will joyfully live for Him all the days of my life :-)