Me. . . . Help.

by Sarah
(TN)

I gave the title "Me" becuz this... this IS me. Im Sarah, and Im homeschooled. Just to start off. Through my life I have always kept to myself. Im a freshman in highschool at the present time and Im finding out more than ever. These past few months I have been feeling so confused. I went to one of the preachers at my church and asked for help on a boyfriend problem. About sex before marriage. I, myself, believe you HAVE to wait. But my boyfriend, doesnt have the same belief as me. My preacher took it the wrong way when I told him. He told my brother, who is like best friends w/ my boyfriend, that he thought I was in this relationship for the wrong reason. Im NOT. I only told him because I thought there might be something wrong there. Like on that sort of thing, I would think two people have to completely agree on it. But my boyfriend promised he would wait and respect my decision.
Like I said Ive been feeling really confused, I feel like I dont know myself anymore. I can barely remember anything from my past up until the day I met my boyfriend. I feel like its a cold world. No one has ever really liked me. Im the girl who everyone thinks has a good life. Im the girl who has "fake smiles". People think Im happy and just the quiet person. But really... I feel as though Im dying inside. I feel like Ive been living with a pain inside me all my life and its gotten so big I cant stand it. One week, for a few days I kept thinking "I need to tell someone how I feel." I kept listing off adults I know but something didnt feel right. Finally I chose and was going to talk to her, even though something still didnt feel right. Then, right before I was going to talk to her, I ran into one of my friends. And she just happened to ask me how I was doing. When I said I was ok she asked if there was something I needed to talk about. I knew she was the one. I asked God to help me and He did. I knew in my heart God sent me straight to her. I told her how I havent seen my boyfriend in over 4 months(since the day after we met) and how I feel tempted and horrible. Gosh, she helped me. I couldnt help but cry when I let it out. I think I was crying because, its not easy for me to just open up to someone. I never let out my feelings because people just dont seem to care. She talked with me and we prayed several times. The next night I went to church and this lady, who always finds me sitting by myself, sat down and started talking with me. She, too, started asking if I needed to talk. She told me how its not good to keep stuff to myself. Things Im struggling with. She said its a way the devil will try to take over me. And it made sense to me becuz sometimes I feel as though the devil is trying to get to me. Like there is a battle inside me between God and the devil. Which will have me.
One night I was lying in bed crying. I had a really bad day and was scared. I was scared that one day Im gonna get so upset that Im gonna fall in the ways of the devil. I was literaly scared to death... almost. What I mean is, not only was I scared I was gonna fall in the ways of the devil, I was scared that at that very moment, I was going to kill myself. I was seriously afraid that right then and there I was going to get up, go in the kitchen, and stab myself. That is how afraid I was. And this suicidal thought, I have told NO ONE. Not one soul. NO ONE.
I have no problem with my weight or appearance. But yes, I do wear make-up. I dont care what I look like with make-up, I mean, Im pretty with make-up... but when I take it off? Everytime, I wish I were prettier. I say to myself, "God made me this way and thinks Im beautiful" But why is it so hard for ME to accept that?
People tell me all the time that Im beautiful, that Im soooooo sweet. But, for me, thats hard to believe. Yes, I think I am sweet. I live by 1 Corinthians 10:24. Whenever I see someone hurting or upset, I immediately ask if there is anything I can do. Im not trying to get info, I just dont like to see someone hurting and I want to help. If they dont feel like talking thats fine, I just want to make sure they know Im here if they need me.
I gave my life away awhile back. I asked God to be Lord of my life and to show me what He wants me to do. But as I was asking God to be Lord of my life, I kept wondering if I really meant what I said. I dont want to be a fake, I want to mean what I say. Like when I say sorry to God, I dont know if I mean it. Like, when you can tell if when someones saying sorry to you, you can tell if they mean it or not. Like that. I feel like I dont know anything anymore. A week ago I let out some of my feelings. And ever since I have been noticing some more changes. I feel like God is working through me, and He IS taking role of Lord of my life. Ever since last week Ive bn reading my Bible more, and writing down refrences, and studying. Im finding Im enjoying life more. I used to say there were PARTS of my life that I loved. Now Im saying I love my life ALL TOGETHER.
Sorry this is so long, I mean, ha, I could write so much more. I need to get this out, and more. If you could help me in ANY way, I would be SOOOOO happy. PLEASE.
-Sarah
P.S. Is it ok if I was to write another one of these questions? (if needed)

Comments for Me. . . . Help.

Click here to add your own comments

Good for you!
by: Heather Hart

You can write as many of these questions as you need to! We are here to listen and help you if we can. I'm sorry that your pastor misunderstood, and betrayed your confidence, but I am so glad that God sent the right people to you, to listen and give you advice when you needed it. I'm so glad to hear that you are reading your Bible and seeing it all come together. God is so good. It's always amazing to see Him working through us.

I too was the girl that everyone thought was happy, but felt like I was dying on the inside. It helped me to decide whose opinion of me was most important, mine, my boyfriends, other kids, or God's? If I believe that God's opinion is most important than why does it matter why I think of myself? I can either trust Him or not. I'm so glad that you have the knowledge to know that there is a spiritual battle going on for our souls. Satan wants to win, but the Bible tells us that Jesus has already won. Satan will try to tell us that Jesus hasn't won, and that we should just give up, but it's not true. Jesus has won. He has overcome the world, and with our hope and trust in Him, we can take heart, and have confidence.

I pray that you continue to grow in your relationship with God.

Some Advice
by: Jacqueline

I would like to response to the comment you made about hurting yourself. Let's look at what Jesus said in Mark 7:21-23:
For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders,
Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness:All these evil things come from within, and defile the man.
This is why we must be circumsized in our heart.
Are you in the mist of a war? Yes. But understand this about satan:
...He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it.(John 8:44)

The kingdom of God is within u. His law. We have truth within us, but evil as well. We must separate ourselves from that which is evil.With the Word of God. Fornication is one of the things that defile us. I'm going to be real with you, it is best for you to leave your boyfriend. For one you are getting tempted and two, he does not share your values, biblical values. You are placing yourself in a very dangerous place. God is doing a work in you. Let Him mold you into the woman you will become. Flee from all sexual immorality.(1 Thessalonians 4:2-4) True repentance is turning away from sin and returning to God. Always evaluate your emotions with the Word of God. HE is the WAY, the TRUTH and the LIFE. God Bless.


Thankyou
by: Sarah (writer)

thankyou for commenting. and about your thoughts on me leaving my boyfriend. when i said i was tempted... i meant like the devil tempts me to do stuff. not "do anything with my boyfriend" kind of tempting. my boyfriend has told me he loves me and he would never do anything like that. he respects my decision. and im trusting him on that. i told him i was afraid he would do something. and two days later he tells me that me not trusting him really hurt him. i never wanted to hurt him. ever. im trying to trust him. and im waiting to see what happens. i got his promise he wouldnt do anything, so thats all i can get for now. - i thought of killing myself again. it came on me awful sudden. i was so scared i might actually do it, i went to my mom and asked if i could sit with her. she asked me what was wrong and tears started falling so fast. i couldnt bring myself to tell her so i wrote it down. i couldnt bring myself to give the paper to her so she had to take it. she asked me why i would think something like that. we were talking up until 4 in the morning, and i think i found out something. i think ever since my grandmothers death in summer 2009, ive bn depressed. i think back to then, and thats when i started seeming so upset. mom said i could go to the doctor and he would try to help me. but that day, she told me maybe i should wait, and see if i feel better. so i did. and i feel SOME better... but thats not enough. i want to be happy. idk what happy is anymore, and i want to be happy, not feeling like i wanna kill myself, die... im just so sad on the inside. i want to feel good again. for the past couple of days ive bn thinking i should go to the doctor. but im not sure.

Doctor
by: Anonymous

Sarah, while medicine can help your brain balance out the chemicals it needs, true healing from depression only comes from God. Medicine can be a tool to help you get there, but medicine alone can never cure you. If your mom thinks it will help, then I would encourage you to go to the doctor. But only God can truly get rid of depression. I am so happy to hear that you talked with your mom. I really recommend keeping that line of communication open. I will keep you in my prayers.

Some Advice
by: Jacqueline

Like I said earlier, Satan is a murderer. Since the begining. He is also a lier. So everything that he says is not true. Let's look at 2 Corinthians 10:3-6:
For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh:
(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.

So, with that said, we must cast down all imaginations that go against God. You were fearfully and wonderfully made. (I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. Psalm 139:14)
Our true peace comes from the fact that we are saved from hell itself, but, we are in a war zone. We must know the truth..Jesus says I am the way the truth and the life (John 14:6)...and the truth shall make us free(John 8:32). Free of what? Sin. Even when we know the truth that does not mean we wont have bad thoughts and feelings, it just means we are able to refuse to submit to it. For example, a recovering drug addict does not quit having the urge to do drugs, but they chose not to give into it. They are renewed in their mind. There has to be true self-evaluation and scripture seeking. A doctor may help, but God created you. If something is wrong with your DVD player, you go to the owner's manuel. Why not go to your owner's manuel...the Bible?:)

I understand
by: AJ

I understand everything you say. I am 26 now and still struggle with depression at times. In high school I was very depressed at a bit of a loner myself. I had a "christian" boyfriend who pressured me into doing things I'm not proud of and I'm glad you are stronger than that and that he doesn't pressure you! You need to stand your ground on that one! I often prayed to God to just take the awful feelings away and of course as humans we just want it to happen right then and there and be gone forever, and I know in my case, that wasn't how it worked, since as I said, it still haunts me at times. But God definately made changes in me and helped me get out of the thick of it. Now when I feel that way I just pray about it and try to think positive and it never lasts long and I never have any thought of hurting or killing myself any more. Now I never told my parents so I'm glad you did. And I never saw a doctor about it until I was about 23. But I think you probably should if you are suicidal. There are Christian counselors you can see which is probably best. While some might not believe in doctors or medicine, I believe God gave those people a special gift in understanding and knowledge to create medicine to heal our bodies. I took a low does of antidepressants for a short while but I didn't want to continue to be on them long. But of course talking to God is always most important. Just know that what you are going through is probably more common than you think and there is nothing wrong with you! And yes, God does love you just the way that you are!!! And there are people who care about it and what you are feeling, just like how you said you don't like to see other people hurt, there are people who feel the same about you!

some help=-]
by: Natalie

Hey, people always seem to me like they have their act together, everything is going for them, not for me, my act isn'nt together, my spirtual battle is degrading, but it makes me stronger. You're not the only one with these problems know that. And, as long as you feel in your heart your acts are sincere, and true, then they are ,and just remeber, that you don't need a person's approval to make it so!! You are wonderful girl, who is a warrior for God, keep fighting, keep strong, I know you will accomplish Great things. Memorize bible verses to use againest the devil when he taunts you, and ALWAYS speak out againest stuff the devil puts in your mind, wanting you to store it there. Put it out in God's light, and tell some1, and it will shrivel up like a dying weed. you are strong, and just becoming stronger!=-]
Best wishes,
Natalie=-]

thankyou
by: writer

Thankyou. You all have helped me so much. I just want to say that Ive been thru so much since I wrote this and wrote the last comment. Its been awhile. God has really opened my eyes. Ive found I am beautiful in His eyes and that He does have a purpose for my life. I have found who my true friends are, they stick by me and encourage me like I encourage them. Life gets tough at times but I know in my heart that God made me for a purpose. I believe in my heart I am His and I SO want badly to do whats right and live for Him. I have seen God work in my life and I have felt His presence. God is truly amazing <3

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