It never leaves

by Eric

My name is Eric and im fifteen years old. I cut myself one night after having a hurtful conversation with someone I loved. It really wasn't deep, didn't even break skin. But it left a mark. It became a habit, I would do it every day after school. The slightest provocation, the smallest problem would lead to me cutting.
I used a pocketknife that I had gotten for christmas. It was the only sharp object I had. I tried to stop by giving it away to someone to hold on to until I could control myself. This sounds sensible, right? Well, I gave it to the person who was the reason I started cutting in the first place. Bad mistake.
She acted like she cared. Might have even actually thought that she did care. I dont know. I should have just stopped talking to her the first night she hurt me. I kept talking to her, however. This caused nothing but more problems, and I continued to cut. I found another pocketknife, duller but it still worked. Eventually I had sixty cuts on my arms. There wasn't an uncut section of skin to be found in my left arm.
My principal saw one day. Called my parents, told them wht was happening. We went home and talked about it. My parents love me, Convinced me to stop. After the conversation ended, I had absolutely no intention of ever self harming again.
It was an addiction. I dropped into a depression and I couldn't explain why. So i cut. My thighs this time, so no one would see.
It got worse. I get addicted to things very easily. Which means things that are addictive to normal people, I will almost definitely become addicted to. My friend gave me a razor. It was dull, but better than anything I'd ever used. I used it for a while, then recently I got a sharp one from a different friend. I bleed a lot with it. I want to throw it away, but I can't, I'm stuck.
Im still at the stage where i can stop by myself. And I'm trying, honestly. But sometimes I cant help it. I've only cut seven times with the new razor.
That girl still has the knife. Claims she still loves me. All the while totally ignoring me and going out with another guy. I know she's not for me. I'M making no effort to talk to her, or even see her. If we pass in the hallways at school, I feel the urge. I know it will never leave me. Bu I can fight it, it's still possible to stop. And im going to try my very best to.
This is really not much of a story,but more of a message. Don't cut. Dont burn. Don't hit. Dnt take pills. It destroys you. If you already have, TELL SOMEONE. A friend. Trusted adult, anyone. Just talk about it.
I'm fighting this for you.

Comments for It never leaves

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Sadness
by: Stephanie

I'm sorry that you're struggling and having such a hard time. You have so much going on in your life right now it's no wonder that you're so sad. As difficult as it is you need to talk to your parents about what's been going on lately. You mentioned the first time when your principal called your parents they were able to help you avoid cutting before more incidents caused you to start up again. They can be your support system and help you conquer your addiction and be mental support for all of the difficult cards in life you are being dealt. Lean on God to help you get through periods of negativity and try your best to see the positive in things. It's so easy for our minds to only focus on the negative. Sometimes reminding ourselves of the positive aspects we have been blessed with in life are reassuring and a gentle reminder that God is always with us. I'll be praying for you that you find balance and happiness in your life and that you are able to conquer your addiction. You CAN do it!!!! Best wishes!!

love
by: Anonymous

Your message was very inspiring. I am an ex-cutter and am proud to have read your story. As for you stopping, I know you will. I believe you will, and the freedom that comes with it, is beyond anything a razor or knife or anything can do for you. I promise. I encourage you to keep fighting, and when it feels hard, call on the Lord, He wants to help you! He loves you!

<3
by: Anonymous

I fought. And won with God's help.
You can too.

God has a wonderful plan for your life
by: Anonymous

Hi,

Let me just start by giving you some words of encouragement. You are loved by God. I realize this probably sounds like some tired cliche, but it's true. You are precious to him.

Something that makes cutting so tempting is that it is a form of "release." A way to "deal" with pain. Perhaps if you think about it like this it will be a deterrent more than a temptation.

God loves you and wants to heal you. The enemy is out to destroy you.

The enemy always offers a counterfeit to whatever God originally creates. Always. His counterfeits may SEEM to offer some immediate help, but in the end they only bring destruction, not healing. Of course the enemy is crafty and does this in a very slow process.

Cutting may be a form of release, but in the end it brings destruction.
Talking to God about your pain is another form of release, and one you need NOT to fear. I realize that some emotions are not "Fun" experiencing, but if your heavenly Father is with you, bringing your pain to God will bring healing.

Your Heavenly Father has a wonderful plan for your life. I suggest that you get into the word of God and memorize scripture, when the urge to cut hits, repeat a scripture and rebuke the enemy in Jesus's name. Do not listen to his lies about you anymore!

The more you realize how much GOd loves you, the better.

I suggest you watch "You are Special" on youtube, by Max Lucado. This really ministered to me.

Heavenly Father,

Wrap your loving arms around Eric. You have a healing balm for his pain, which is the sweetness of your spirit. Your balm brings healing and life. Father, I ask that you remove confusion from Eric's mind in Jesus's name. Help him to take up the armor of God daily, and rebuke the enemy with your Word. Deliver him from this habit Father, In Jesus's name Amen.

dude...
by: Anonymous

one step could be to stand up to this girl and confront her specifically about this and tell her she's the root of it, if i had one wish it would be to let the one kid that messed me up that he seriously hurt me... seriously throw away your razor, i found the one i used today and i just got rid of it as a way to try and move on from my past

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