I used to self harm. Here's my story

My name is Sarah and I'm 15 years old. I started self harming when I was 13. I lived with my little brother and sister and my abusive and drug addicted mom and my drug addicted step dad who came in and out of our lives all the time, either by being kicked out by my mom or jail. I've had a rough life growing up. Kids at school always made fun of and bullied me. I've always been one to take criticism way to far. I've even cried at school. And than my mom would always beat me and my little brother. She'd slap us, punch us, and beat us with belts. She abused my brother a lot more than she did me though.. I always stayed in my room and distanced my self as much as I could. Than it got to the point where I'd only come out of my room to eat, go to the bathroom, leave for school, and leave on the weekends. I went to my grandmas every single say I didn't have school. I just couldn't stand being home. All home consisted of was fighting, screaming, and abuse. I even had to witness my step dad trying to kill my mom before.. I was really little and he was strangling her in the bathroom and I all remember was her skin turning colors and me crying and screaming please don't kill my mommy.. Than I called the cops.. Than one year some guy beat my mom half to death with a gun.. I had a problem wetting the bed every night for about a year after that. I got made fun of at school even more than because I'd wake up all covered in my pee and I never had time to bathe before I'd have to go to school. So basically everyday in my house was hell. I tried to stay in my room every day but all I'd hear is screaming and my brother crying from being beat. So one day I started scratching my wrist. Didn't draw any blood. After that night I knew a way to get over my sadness. I eventually started cutting when I was really sad. Got to the point where I'd cut everyday and I had to hide the scars. I'd have to wear long sleeve shirts in 90 degree weather. Than eventually I started drinking stuff I wasn't supposed to. At first it was just because I wanted to see what would happen if I drank it. Than I started drinking it a lot because I'd always be sick and I enjoyed. Than I starting making myself throw up a lot. Got to the point I'd only eat once a day. I wouldn't eat breakfast. Didn't eat lunch in school, I'd only eat after I got home from school or a couple hours later. Sometimes I'd eat both times but I had to throw up at least one of the meals I ate. I began to enjoy hurting myself like this. I'd always be sick from not eating and drinking rubbing alcohol and have scars from cutting. I loved it. It gave me a different feeling of pain than what my mom did. This pain made everything go away, Criticism from people, pain my mother and step dad caused. Everything. But than one day my cousin and brother found my razors. My cousin than asked to see my writs. I showed her the top of my arm because it had less scars. Than my grandma talked to me about it. They got me to stop. Than about a year and a half later I moved in with my grandma. Since than I have been predisposed with Schizophrenia. I still self harm every once in a while but I have a journal I write in instead.

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