I NEED HELP ESCAPING FROM THIS MONSTER.
I am 12 years old. I weigh 101 lbs. Somehow I do not think this is right. I am constantly imploded with images of woman with no flesh or muscle, just skin and bones. You can see their ribs and their flat bellies. I am built with a naturally flat, athletic belly but my issues come from my athetic legs. I do NOT feel like my thighs should touch when I walk or stand. They should not have the muscles that they do. I am tired of people going, "Wow such nice ATHLETIC thick legs," whenever I wear shorts. I look in the mirror and I love myself waist-up. I have a pretty face. I was raised to love my American Indian face with my big eyes and olive skin, my long dark hair, my thick eyebrows.
But I feel like a want to vomit when I look in a full-body mirror.
It's strange because I know I'm a size 2, but I want to be size 0. I know I'm a size S to XS but I want to be XXS or Petite. But somehow this is not what I see.
I look at the magazines on my shelf. (They are all in Japanese because this is what I speak.) I flip to a page - "Okarie-chan's -10 kg. diet."
Her original weight is 98 pounds, then after the diet she was around 88. I place my body on the scale and feel terrible when a three digit number pops up - 101. I am so close. I am always hungry. I am always terrible feeling.
I should not be a three-digit weight. This is not right.
All my friends weigh more than me; I look them, how beautiful and skinny they are. So how come I weigh so much less, and yet, I feel fat? Always, ?Fat.? This is the word the whole world uses.
I speak Japanese. I should have narrow, slim legs that are the same width around all the way to the hips like Japanese girls do. Whenever I'm at a mall or someplace, I'll see a girl walking in front of me, my same short-ish height, wearing skinny jeans, and her legs come no where CLOSE to touching. I left the house in jean shorts, a pretty white flowy top, and lacey knee-high socks with pink converse shoes, feeling good and pretty and tiny. But I see this girl and the sweat beads at the back of my neck, for I feel that everyone is comparing me to her, when really all these busy strangers around me notice nothing but the led lights of their Blackberries and iPhones. I know this. So why do I feel this way? Why, oh why, do I restrict my eating, go a whole day eating nothing but half a banana? Why do I write down everything I ate that week, how much exercise I did, how many total calories? WHY?
And my mom knows. She is this amazing wise person who knows everything. She is telling me, "Your body was built to hold up the weight of your burdens, your head, and your soul. This is an amazing feat. Listen to yourself when you feel hungry, eat when you feel this way. Your body will take care of you."
How come I cannot listen to her words?
I suffer from OCD. I do NOT want to suffer from Anorexia too.
I get the impression that this may be a Church site. I hope that you can pray for me and give me your guidence, even though I have never once been to church, and my house is covered in Buddhas. I know that God watches over me, and so does the unvierse, prayers of this world, and my family.
Thank you - My breath comes out less tainted by my sorrows.