Found my love in cutting
I cut alot, but I don't think of it really being bad, no, it's a beautiful pain. No one can understand it if they haven't gone through it (or like me are going through it). Sometimes I wonder why I do it, but it's something I can control. I control how deep the cuts go, and where they go, I control how much pain I feel. I'm sort of a new cutter I guess you could say, just since October, but I'm already very heavily addicted to cutting, it's like no matter how hard I try I can't stop. I cut once last night, and once this morning, it's like a ritual to me now. I used to be close to God, I used to feel His presence, but no more...now I have an empty void deep inside me, and whenever it gets bad I cut. It's not because I've ever been abused, I'm 15 and haven't even ever had a boy friend. I have great parents and siblings, there's just something wrong with me! I also struggle greatly with pride, and selfishness, I know all this, but I don't know how to let it go. Turth be told I don't really want to give it up. I don't know when the last time I read my Bible and got something out of it was...I want to be close to God and read my Bible faithfuly, but then again part of me is holding me back. Help me please somebody! I want to be free from pride and selfishness, again, part of me wants to stay where I am...miserable and depressed. I feel so happy, and get "butterflies" in my stomach when I cut, then other times I feel like a circus freak. Does anyone have anything constuctive to say? Does anyone even understand? It's really hard for my to describe...anyways...I hope someone understands...