Feel fat....

by Liliana
(USA)

This is sort of an awkward, odd thing for me to do. Im ususally not the type of person who needs help, usually the one who gives advice, but maybe things are starting to change.

since like ever I've been really obsessed with my weight, and always being skinny. I remember when I was 8 I used to wear long sleeve shirts, even in the summer, to cover my chubby arms. As a kid from 8 to about 13, I've always been sort of chubby. My weight would constantly go up and down and up and down and the cycle continued. I never really got into dieting until I turned eleven, and I sort of went crazy. Every new diet I aimed at and shot for, and I lost about 8 pounds going into the 6th grade. I was constantly dieting because I was never pleased with the way I looked. I wasn't liked very much in school and I felt it was because of my weight. My Mom didnt help at all, and she still doesnt. She's always been this beautiful blonde cheerleader whos as skinny as a twig and can make friends in an airport at 3 a.m.
But anyway, 7th grade year came and was heavy but had been losing. I switched schools second semester, and I still continued to try to loose weight.
8th grade year was different, and I'm just going into my second semester of it.
At the beggining of the year, when YearBook pictures were taken, I felt like I looked too fat in my picture, so I stopped eating. I dropped almost eighteen pounds. Which I guess was enough since I was 154 pounds and five foot eight. Now I weigh 136, and I've been really happy, but my Mom............. She makes it difficult. I was starving myself for days on end for at least a month and a half until I got to my desired weight. I started eating again, slowly but surely, but I still don't eat a lot. Everytime I remotely even pick up something to eat that contains sugar or fat my Mom will turn to me and say, "Do you want gain all that weight back?" or "You're going to get fat," or some other derogatory comment about my weight. She doesnt understand that the slightest comment about my weight can easily send me right back into my anorexia mode. When I tried to talk to her about it all she said was, "Shut up with your attitude and drama. I only say that because I don't want you to get heavy. If you keep eating foods with sugar in them, you're going to get fat." If I ever try to talk to her about it, she says I'm being dramatic, and I lost the weight from Cheer or running club.
Last night was my moms boyfriends birthday, and they had Dr. Thunder there. I don't usually ever drink soda, but I wanted some. I had a half a glass of it, and then wanted some more, but when I went to get more, my Mom came around and said loudly, "You're going to get FAT!" and it really hurt and embarassed me. Since I usually never have any sugary foods or soda I decided I was going to just drink more soda, that it was going to be one of those days where I was going to splurge. I went upstairs and while skyping my friend, not realizing it, drank half a liter of soda. I was really super embarassed, but didn't tell my mom. I accidentally left the bottle on the counter, and the next day when I was eating a piece of frenchbread for breakfast, she told me that she found the bottle. She told me I was going to get fat, and gaining weight, and I was never going to get skinny, and she said if I kept eating that piece of bread and drinking soda it was going to get worse. She made me feel like I was obese, and right now I'm sort of crying as I type this.
I feel like I kind of just want to crawl under a rock and die. I've been struggling with this since I've been young, and my mom DOESNT help. I hate her right now, I can't even look at her, all she does is put me down, all the time. I cant stand her mental abuse anymore.
I feel ugly and fat and now I just don't want to eat anymore. Everyone on here is probably going to say, "Just talk to her" but I cant talk to her, she'll call me emotional, then I'll get upset and she'll accuse me of having an attitude and she will take away my phone and laptop and ground me.
I dont knoww what to do.
Is 136 too heavy for a five foot eight girl? I don't know if my Mom really thinks I'm gaining weight back, but if she does, I'm really scared.