Drowning much?

by Ivy
(San Diego)


when i was 8 i started dieting. by the time i was 10 i could name 2 things i liked about my body. when i was 13 i started cutting. i am now 16, i still cut and the only thing i like about my body would be my fingernails. if i look in the mirror for longer than ten second intervals while putting on make-up, i start crying. i hate my soul for not bringing to the table what my body lacks. sometimes i wish god would take my life because i feel like such a useless burden to everyone around me. I'm 5'5'' and i weigh 147.8 lbs. that's down from 160 which i worked off over summer. my ultimate goal is 95 but i know i'll never reach it so i'm settling for 125.

i couldn't hate the person in the mirror any more than i do now it's worse than it's ever been, the worst part is that i'm not sure i want to get better 'till i can get all of my weight off. i'm afraid that if i get help they will make me start eating regularly currently i eat 500cal a day and run 3 miles if i don't start loosing weight soon i will have to lower my calorie intake and up my mileage. i know how wrong everything i'm doing is but i feel like i'm not smart enough to be ugly so i have to be perfect in the beauty category. when i lost my first ten pounds i liked myself a lot and was almost even proud. but after a while i realized everything was going wrong again and it was my fault i started stressing out and gained five pounds back i ran five miles a day for a week on water. and that's how i got down to 147.

i don't know what to do. i love god so much and i feel like i am his biggest disappointment every day. i wake up every morning and know that i have let god down again and i hate myself for it. no one knows how i really feel i cover up the pain with a make-up facade and no one suspects a thing.

Comments for Drowning much?

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Dec 03, 2009
I feel your pain
by: Anonymous

I want to start this by giving you a big cyber hug. And then I have to say that I also strugglewith body image and though I can't quite identify to your problem I know where you're coming from. That means I have to be careful not to say anything hypocritical. :) First of all I would really, really encourage you to talk to your mother or a trusted friend who can help you. I know it's hard...but you need to. Second of all I want to tell you that you are unique, special and aboslutely BEAUTIFUL. Third: 95 pounds is NOT a healthy weight. Please don't even think about striving for that weight! Also, you can lose weight without being dangerous to yourself. Please up your calories...if you're on a 1,200 you will still lose weight. But, running 3 miles a day you may need more then that so your body has enough energy. Also, don't judge by that silly scale! Running gives you muscle which wieghs more then fat. ;) Reading God's Word daily and talking to your Heavenly Father about your struggles is the biggest help. In closing, here's another ((hug)) and know that I'll pray for you.

Dec 05, 2009
What He Sees
by: S'ambrosia

Ivy,
When I read that last paragraph you wrote about being a disappointment to God, all I could do was cry. I can only imagine what happens to His heart every time you think something like that about Him and the way He feels about you. Honey, everything that God makes is perfect INCLUDING YOU! Actually... ESPECIALLY YOU! He uniquely designed you with beauty and grace, in His image. I wish you could see what God sees when He looks at you. You bear the beauty of your heavenly Father!

"You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes." Song of Songs 4:9

It sounds like you have been listening to the lies of the enemy and these lies are causing your behavior to take you farther from the Lord. I feel like it goes deeper than what you've said so far though... At one point you said that "everything was going wrong again" and consequently it made you go into extreme mode with dieting. It seems that something is triggering these bouts with self-loathing.

These goals that you have for yourself, to reach 95lbs. and such are not good, love, and it won't get better once you get the weight off because you have a self-loathing monster inside of you that won't ever be satisfied. You said yourself that when you lost your first 10 pounds you liked yourself and then it went downhill from there. Trust me, losing weight is not the answer to seeing yourself as beautiful!

I believe first, there are some deeper issues that need to be taken care of in your heart. I don't know if it is an emotionally abusive relationship or what, but whatever is triggering these responses from you needs to be cut out of your life. Ask the Lord to free you and to open your eyes to see what He see when He looks at you. The lenses you view yourself through right now are tainted with lies, but if you would only see yourself as the Lord sees you, you would know how much you're worth.

If you go to a church, speak to a pastor or your parents. Talk to them about getting counseling. I know you're scared about having to make lifestyle changes if you do, but TRUST, it will be worth it. Please feel free to contact me (sambrosiac@gmail.com). I'll be praying for you, Ivy.

Dec 07, 2009
thanks
by: ivy

wow
i want to thank you both for taking the time to comment my article/paragraph thingy. i appreciate your opinions and gladly take them into consideration.

Dec 15, 2009
Update?
by: S'ambrosia

Hey Ivy,
I was just thinking about you again and figured I'd check in to see how things have been going for you lately. Is there any way I can be praying for you? Much love♥

Dec 20, 2009
feel ur pain
by: Anonymous

totally feel ur pain. i never like anything about my body i hate it, i wish i was skinnier, prettier, and cooler but god made me like this for a reason. thats what helps me get me through the day

Jan 31, 2010
You and I are not so different
by: Miss Lucky :)

I used to hate myself more than anything in the world. Believe me, I did. I would look at myself in the mirror and say, "You're not worth anything." I used to think I was the ugliest thing in the world, I guess somedays when the skies were clearer and the sun was brighter I'd say, "Oh, I have pretty eyes" But then two hours later after a mean facebook chain letter was sent around about me, I'd look in the mirror and say, "GiGi, you're a nothing to society. You deserve to die."
I struggled so hard and so deeply with my body image, all kudos to the demons in disguise at my school, but then, after nearly three years of being treated like a piece of crap at my private christian school, I transferred schools, I couldn't take the pain. Things got better for me, and I became happier, but the bullying memories litterally haunted me. I had nightmares about these girls. A month and a half passed and I had became depressed. Sure, I was away from these girls, but their snapping vicious words trailed along behind me.
Finally, one day, after watching the Earthquake warnings on Haiti, and seeing all the crying people and the agony they were in, I looked at myself and I went, "God, how lucky am I?" I still had a bad self-image somedays, but after I realized how lucky I was, I didn't feel so much pity for myself. I started to think I was beautiful, and matter of fact, I was one of the most go0d-looking girls in my school and I had believed every word the evil brats said about me.
My advice for you would be, you're gorgeous and your stunning and don't let anybody or your self-concious mind tell you differently. Whenever you're thinking you're hated and you're so bad off, look up on YouTube the Haiti Earthquake, or anything and REMEMBER how lucky you are! You have clothes, you have food, you have a roof over your head!
You're gorgeous and you want to know the BEST thing about you? There's only one of you ever to be made! EVER! There's never going to be another YOU. You're one-of-a-kind girlie! Don't forget that and don't destroy your body by cutting yourself.

Feb 07, 2010
You are so beautiful
by: Anonymous

Let me just say, if you think you are UGLY then you are BLIND! Just from that picture I know you are GORGEOUS! I would LOVE to have your face structure, your lips, etc. Here's the thing, we can pick ourselves apart everyday all day but where does it get us? Depressed, anxious, down in the dumps, striving for attention, feeling like CRAP! In other words: NOWHERE! There's always gonna be someone prettier, funnier, skinnier, smarter, & richer than you. So why bother tearing yourself down? God loves you SO MUCH! He thinks you are to DIE FOR! How do think He feels when you stare into the mirror and are discusted with yourself? God is "enthralled by your beauty for you are "fearfully and wonderfully made." (Psalm 45:11; 139:14)

Feb 07, 2010
You are so beautiful continued...
by:

It's like you giving your friend a cake for her birthday. You decide it's gonna be chocolate flavored, cover it with frosting, sprinkles, etc and you write "Happy Birthday________" in food coloring. You think this cake is amazing and looks delicious! You're pretty proud of yourself for creating such a masterpiece! So you go to your friend's house and present her with this beautiful cake and she.... hates it. What?! That's right she HATES it. "Why is it CHOCOLATE? I don't even like chocolate! Why are there sprinkles everywhere? Why did you write my name in green food coloring? Purple's a way better color...."
See my point? You think this cake is awesome and your friend despises everything about it! It is exactly how we react to how God created us! Why is my nose so big? Why do I have black hair? I hate my fat arms!" Who are we to question God, The Artist of the universe? My point is, we all have things we don't like about ourselves, physcically & emotionally. But we just have to ACCEPT those things and LOVE ourselves because God made us perffectly imperfect! Otherwise, we're doomed to live a life of misery. Make a list of all the things you like about yourself whether it's being good at sports, a great listener, loving your hair color, etc. You are your worst critic. Who's telling you to be a size 2? No one! Your value does not comes from the size of your jeans!

Feb 07, 2010
You are so beautiful continued...
by: Anonymous

Please check out To Write Love On Her Arms's website at www.twloha.com. It is "a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide." As for the weight issue, DO NOT DIET unless reccomended by a doctor! Not eating enough puts your body in what is known as "starvation mode". It stores up fat, causing you to gain weight! Try to only eat when you're truly hungry instead of eating out of boredom or because you're feeling down. Drink as much mater as you can. It not only hydrates but stops cravings as well.
Lastly, here are some books that I reccomend reading...
1.) 1 Peter 3:4-6
2.) Totally God's: Every Girl's Guide To Faith, Friends, and Family by Megan Clinton
3.) Discover Your Destiny by Cary Schmidt
4.) The Christy Miller series by Robin Jones Gunn

and some music..... (:
1.) The Real Me by Natalie Grant
2.) Beautiful Ending by BarlowGirl
3.) Stand in The Rain by Superchick
4.) More Beautiful You by Johnny Diaz
5.) I Wanna Be by Cambria Detken
6.) Free To Be Me by Francesca Battistelli
7.) Superstar by Stephanie Smith
8.) The Last Night by Skillet
9) Beautiful by Bethany Dillon
10)Go by Boys Like Girls

These songs, scriptures, & books have helped me realize my value and beauty and the way God thinks and how much He loves me. I hope and pray they do the same for you!

Don't let Satan win. Don't let him fill your mind with doubts. Don't let him think you are are worth nothing for you are worth EVERYTHING. God will never stop loving you. He is with us all forever. He has an amazing and divine eternal purpose for you! But if you keep cutting your life short, you'll never get to experience and live out that purpose. Stay strong. It WILL get better, I promise.

Blessings!
Jenna

Feb 21, 2010
I was there :)
by: Ivy

Lovely Ivy,
my name's Ivy too and believe it or not I was in your shoes up until 2 years ago :)
I hated the way I look so much that I even saved money for a big plastic surgery in the future. Thankfully before I went THAT stupid, God came to me. He told me how beautiful I am, that I'm fearfully & wonderfully made. He said He took the time to mold me with His own hands, He didn't want to make any mistake. Since then I started to speak in tongue, the purpose is so my spirit could be in touch with the Holy Spirit, because that's when He tells me my identity, assures me of who I really am. Since then life got better and better and better, day by day I care less about what people say and more focused on what GOD says about me. And as the result of hanging out with God a lot, He gave me the confidence and boldness which seemed to still be building up everyday :D Now I can see the beauty in me and I get compliments on my appearance almost everyday :)

Don't believe the enemy's lies Ivy, believe what your Creator say about you! He's the only One who has the right to judge your appearance because He's the One who made you and guess what - you're beautiful and so freakin precious in His eyes! He says He would even trade the whole creation just to get you back, THAT'S how much He loves you!

So Ivy, don't dwell in lies any longer and start hangin out with THe Creator like I did. Transformation happens as you dwell in Him :D
I'm a living testimony on that.

Much luv to you Ivy!!!

Aug 22, 2010
love ur body image
by: maria

everybody always has something they don't like about their body. but everyone has to accept their body image.

Apr 14, 2011
holy moly
by: Guy from MA

Ivy,

I must say, if that is really you in that picture, you are freaking gorgeous and any guy would be lucky to have you.

this is my first time on the site, and i didnt comment previously, but when i saw this post, i had to say something.

girl, you are a knockout, dont listen to anyone that says otherwise.

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