desperate

by ~
(England)

Well erm yeah hello, im a 14 year old girl from England and ive never really been good about talking my feelings out,to anyone.i,ve been selfharming for almost half a year now and although compared to alot of people thats next to nothing, but for me its been too long.I never really had that one triggering thought to push to me over the edge.Life was just a big buildup of mess that i couldnt control anymore.My mom and dad had just got separated. He left her for another woman,Mom took it hard and i dont really think she knew how to cope.Which is understandable.I used to hear her crying at night, it broke my heart. I hated that i couldnt do anything about it. My dad had had a violent temper all his life and didnt really know how to handle it.Most of the time he'd just hit walls or break plates or glasses, but there were times where we'd be in the way of all of this. he'd take it out on me and my mom.I have flashbacks to this day about what he did to us. I have a 6 year old sister and luckily he never once hit her.I remember having to convince her that daddy was not going to kill mommy.This was pretty hard to say when he had a knife to her throat.Im sitting on the very bed he strangled me on one day,I remember i was near passing out point.But my mom couldnt see through this, she loved him.And i did too. I cut because it was an escape,somewhere where i had all the control. I couldnt conrol the feelings and pain inside,whereas on the outside it was a different story.The stinging put my mind off my terrible thoughts for a short while, but afterwards the pain was the same, if not worse.At first i enjoyed it. The adreniline was incredible.But after a short while it just turned into some horror film. A painful and despertate anxiety.I was addicted.I was obsessed.Every thought re-volved around cutting. 'WHEN WILL MY NEXT CUT BE?' 'HOW DEEP WILL IT GO?' 'WILL ANYONE FIND OUT?' I almost wanted to scream, to everyone.Tell them the secret i was hiding.I was seconds away from compleltely losing it and no one noticed.Just yesterday i went to someone from the welfare department in my school. My bestfriend convinced me to go. I didnt want to admit it, i didnt want to admit i needed help, i wasnt ready. But i felt so guilty, I'd placed everything on my bestfriend and i knew it killed her to see me like this. I was disintigrating right infront of her and she was helpless.She couldnt force me to stop. I had to do this by myself.I wanted to be free.I didnt want to be a freak.I opened up-ish. There was so much i couldnt tell her and never will.About the past with my dad.She said she had to contact my mom, it was her duty to. I was in danger of killing myself.Shes booked me an appointment with her again after the holidays.I just want someone i can speak to. My mom took me to the doctors and she gave me a counsellor.I cut today aswell, im trapped i dont know what they can do to help me, its too hard to stop. I want to die,i pray everyday i just fall and never get back up, im just desperate.

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