Cutting - what once was my silver savior

by stephanie
(kernersville, n.c)

my name is Stephanie and Im 15 years old.Most of my childhood memories consist of mommy popping pills and daddy yelling, but then someone would take me by the hands and lead me away. But as time passed, people stopped doing that and i finally found out what was going on.

I had always been different in school because of the way i looked and how strong my southern accent was. But i knew, when i was younger, no matter what they would say mommy could always make it better. But when i turned 10 and entered the 4th grade, everything changed. Mommy could no longer take care of herself, much less me so i had no one.

One day when i was home alone, i started cutting. I had finally found a way to feel outside what i felt on the inside. Though being only 10 i could just blame it on playing to much and no one would notice. I cut myself almost everyday after i came home from school,crying most of the time,screamimg that i didnt want to go back. I went and still go to a private school so i couldnt escape those children, whose mission in life was to hurt me.

At home was no better either with the constant yelling, door slamming, and car wheels screaming out of the driveway into the night. But when i cut, nothing else mattered to me. i could cut and just sit there, devoid of any emotion and i would feel okay.

I became withdrawn and wouldnt talk or socialize with anyone. Later on that year, when i could no longer figure out how to block out the things going on at home and school, i tried to kill my self. 2 months after my attempt my dad filed for a divorce and took me away.

I then had someone in my life who finally paid attention and knew what was going on.When i was 12 the divorce was finalized but by that point i hated the one some of you call mother. i still hate her but thats beside the point.

A year later i started cutting again. For no appearent reason i had gone into a depression that got to the point that the school officials started to take notice.

Today i still cut myself sometimes when that gaping hollow feeling in my chest becomes unbearable. The skin on my chest and legs are marred with the reminders of a sad past, but i refuse to let my self become that person who hates themselves for someone elses mistake.

please if you are reading this and are that someone, please contact me. Things hurt and no one knows that better than me.

much love,
stephanie

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Love can heal your wounds
by: Sarah

Dearest Stephanie,

I just felt led to respond to your message that you posted. As I read your message, I felt really sad to hear how much you have been through, and how you have been hurting yourself.

Stephanie, there's so much I wish to share with you. There are people out there who genuinely love you for you who are, no matter what you have been through or what you have lost.

Stephanie, you are an intelligent girl. From the way you write, I can tell that you are fluent with your language and can express yourself very well through writing. Why not use your talent in writing as a way to express your feelings? It might help to release your anger or unhappiness. Write it out in a letter or in a message like the one you wrote here, in a poem or a song. If you feel better after writing, then continue to use this as a tool to help yourself.

Stephanie, there is so much more to life. Do not give up. You are only 15 and you have many more years ahead of you. You talked about the hollow feeling inside you. I've come to realize that everybody feels that same feeling at some point or other. You feel empty, lost, alone, scared. Some people appear to have very good lives on the outside, but sometimes when we really get to know them, you realize that they face many problems. It doesn't matter how much money, boyfriends or friends we have. We are all human and weak. We were created with this void inside us.

But we have a hope, because the Creator is our God. And He is a loving God, Stephanie. I believe that He led me to reply to you. He wants to show you that He loves you and cares for you, and from now on He wants to be a part of your life. He wants you to experience love, joy, peace, contentment and all that He has planned for your life.

He really can save you. If you have not received Jesus Christ as your personal Savior, you now have the opportunity to. God is knocking on the door of your heart, will you open your heart to Him? If you are moved, it is God who is moving your heart.

Would you pray with me? "Father in Heaven, we adore you. You are Almighty God, you are all present, all knowing, all powerful. Father today I lift up Stephanie into your loving hands. Father you know everything that she has been through and the pain she is feeling. And most importantly, Father you know what she needs right now and how to save her. Father I pray that you move her heart so that she will invite you into her life. I pray that you bring people who love her into her life to care for her and show her your love. Father I know that you love her dearly, so much so that you sent your Son to die for all her sins. She is forgiven from the moment she believes in you. May you bring the peace that she is looking for and fill the void in her heart. In Jesus' name we pray, Amen."

Stephanie, I know you want a way out of this. Fight the temptation to cut. Be with people who care for you and will help you. Pray daily for God's strength.

Write to me anytime.
In Christ, Sarah

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