CUTTER

by Miranda
(Arizona)


I remember well the first time I cut myself. I was 13, in 7th grade, and so sick of everything. There were so many emotions inside of me I didn't know what to do. So I grabbed the end of my cell phone charger and used it to cut my upper arm. It hurt. And I liked it.

7th grade was tough. I often had suicidal thoughts and just wanted to leave this world. Complications with friends, family, and school left me feeling out of control and alone. I got by, but 8th grade was when things really started to turn worse.

That year, so many things seemed to happen at once. One of my closer friends ditched me and didn't want to talk to me anymore. I got my face all messed up for a boy who wan't worth it. And I was awful at home to my family, who in turn punished me, which made me even angrier.

The cutting just got worse. I started cutting with tweezers, then small scissors, then blades. It calmed me and made me feel more in-control. If anything went wrong in my day, I would be comforted by telling myself that as soon as I got home, I could cut my skin and feel better.

It got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore. I called a teen help line at 11:00 at night because I didn't know what else to do. For me, it really didn't help much. But my parents have a program for my cell phone where they can see the numbers I've called and at what time.

Needless to say, this call freaked them out. My dad came into my room and asked me about the help line. I shrugged him off as my heart was beating a million miles a minute.

There are only two times when I have seen my dad cry. The first was when we visited his mom's grave on her birthday. The second was this. Finally, I broke down and told him the things I had been going through and doing to myself.

I'm now seeing a Christian counselor and although not self-harming is a daily battle, I'm doing the best I can with God's help and I know that He will continue to get me through this.

*Anyone who is self-harming, please get help. It changed my life. Tell someone, that's all you need to do. I was trapped inside a world of darkness and my own misery. Now I can honestly say I am making the best of things and relying on God. If you self-harm, feel free to comment below and I will comment back. Rely on God and I have faith that He will get you through this, just like He has done for me. <3

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