Beauty starts on the inside, than the outside...
by A sister in Christ
This first part is an entry from my journal.
Monday, October 26, 2009
It had been a week now, but she still looked back to that moment in sheer horror. The moment when a sweet little girl had for a minute turned into a monster. She wished she could undo it, go back in time and fix it somehow - but no, no one can ever do that.
The day started out like any other day, with school and cleaning. But all day she just felt empty, she wanted to do something with her life. Just little things that she normally would laugh at made her upset, and frustrated. She tried playing on the computer, but it seemed whatever she did was just so empty. She wanted to cry-but tears wouldn't flow. She wanted to scream-but was too afraid to. She wanted to change her life-but didn't know how.
She ran outside to the front yard, then went through the backyard gate to the side of the backyard; all the while praying, and crying out to God. She wanted to get away from everything and get her life striated out. She kept asking "what is your plan for my life?" "How much longer do I have to live like this?" "Why don?t you just take me home so I can be through with my life?" "will I ever achieve anything?" "I don't want to waste anymore time like today!" She kept asking questions, cried a little, but it was no use, nothing made her feel better.
Suddenly she had an urge to do something, something terrible. She was sitting with her back against her house, she thought about slamming her head into the bricks until she knocked herself out or something. Then another idea came into her head; she stood up, placed her arm on the brick wall of her house, and then slid her arm across scratching her arm. She did this over, and over; the more she did it the more skin and hair came off. Then she started to press her arm harder as she dragged it across the bricks. At some point she decided not to stop until she saw blood. So again and again she pushed her arm into the wall was she slid it across; not wincing once. The pain was now numbing, and addicting, she could feel her skin scrap off bit by bit, but didn't care. It was like sliding her arm down a cheese grater, but she wouldn't stop. She thought about stopping several times, and she almost did; but didn't. Finally she thought "just one more time," then taking her arm she pushed it in harder than ever, then drew it across the whole wall smearing blood as she went. It was done; the worst 10 minutes of her life were over. She looked down at her arm, wishing it had all been a bad dream-but no, puss and blood dripped down her arm as she cried out in horror "what have I done?!"
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Now forced to wear a big scar on her arm she goes through life trying to hide the truth. She tells people when they ask her how it happened that she tripped outside her house. And as she was falling she tried to stable herself by plunging her arm into the side of her house. But instead of stopping she just slid down scrapping all the skin off of the side of her arm. She hates the lie she has made. Will there ever be a way out of it? She tosses and turns every night not able to go to sleep, because of her lie. Her conscience keeps pricking her, but to afraid to tell anyone, she is lost in her lie. She looks down at her scar only to be reminded the lie that she lives in. Maybe someday the truth will come out, but for now she lives in her miserable lie.
I was so confused, I started to become obsessed with the way I looked. I hated myself and many a time would pick something up and scrap myself with it. I didn't want to be me anymore. I couldn't keep from comparing myself to all my friends. I've never been fat, but I wasn't skinny either. I wanted to lose weight, I started eating just 500cal a day. Then I was freaking out over my face because I was starting to break out with acne. I couldn't stand myself anymore.
Then yesterday I realized that why I wasn't satisfied with my outward beauty is because I had lost my inner beauty. I went to the mirror and looked at my eyes, they were dark, I had lost the light that normally filled them. All the while I had been telling myself once I lose all the weight I want to, and clear my face I will be happy and can except myself again, and can get better with my relationship with God. Why did I ever think that being beautiful on the outside would fill the emptiness inside? I thought if I could just achieve this image of perfection others would accept me. I cried out to God and asked Him to forgive me for caring so much about my physical appearance. I gave it to Him, I feel so free now! I have decided that I would only take care of myself (i.e. take showers, wash face, brush teeth...) but I wouldn't do any of that until I had spent time in God's word. I can now look at myself in mirror and feel confident, my acne is even starting to go away!
Just leave how you look on the outside up to God, I have since stopped judging myself, and can know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made! God wants every girl out there to know that He made you beautiful, He's crazy about each one of you. So next time you're standing in front of the mirror frustrated, remember to but your inner beauty first--pretty is as pretty does! May God bless all you simply gorgeous girls out there!