A New Way to Deal

by Christy
(Fort Myers, Florida)

I was molested by my grandfather from the time I was 7 till the age of 10. I never really thought it affected me till i got into high school and saw the effects in my relationships. I also started having panic attacks and really weird physical issues.

Nothing was ever found wrong, so I dealt with it, everyone said I was fine. I started college and broke up with my boyfriend of almost a year and I slipped into depression. I finally decided to get help and started talking to a school councilor and while it helped, it made it worse. I was bring up issues I never knew were there. I was and still am obsessing over it. The first time I cut myself, it was an accident.

There was a teacher that looked and smelled and acted like my grandfather and he got close to me to answer a question and I was about to lose it, but instead I scratched up my wrist with a pin cap. I was an effective way to deal. So then when I was overwhelmed or need to see the hurt, or make a hurt that was easy to fix I would/do go into my room and cut my shoulder with a pocket knife. Nothing severe, just enough to see and feel. I am scaring myself lately cause I actually feel my arm throb when I am stressed, like it is calling out to me to cut it. I have even pictured running my pocket knife over my veins, and i am not suicidal!!! It scares me a lot. I know that would be a bad idea, so why do i keep picturing it in my head???

I did talk to a councilor about this and have the support of two amazing roommates, I just dont know what to do now. I know there are better solutions, but sometimes nothing works better to calm then to cut my arm and the clean it up and fix it. I know part of it is proving there is something wrong. I was told for three years that I was fine, that nothing was wrong and the whole time I was suffering from an anxiety disorder. I read the part about battle scares and that is a big part of it. The ironic part is I am ashamed to show my arms and make stupid excuses for the cuts.

Trying to deal with the molestation is bad t0o. i ignore it and it ruins my life and relationships. Try to deal with it and I ruin my body. If anyone has any ideas I would appreciate it. Thanks for taking the time to read my story.

Comments for A New Way to Deal

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idea
by: cassandra

HEY GIRL!
i know what you're feeling..while i wasn't ever molested/sexually abused, i do struggle with anxiety, depression, and cutting..i've been in counseling since this past august..however, a week ago was my last session b/c i'm also a college student and am going home in a couple of days for the summer..well, she gave me a couple of ideas to help me cope..snap a rubberband a few times on your wrist until the urge to cut goes away..it helps because it gives you that same feeling that you get when you cut..its better b/c its not dangerous..also, whats helped me before, is taking a cold shower..this has been especially helping when i was fighting off anxiety attacks...also, drawing or writing what you're feeling can be very helpful..also, what my counselor has said helps at times is holding an icecube on your wrist until it makes your wrist so cold that it hurts..i havent tried this before b/c i live in a dorm and dont have access to ice whenever i need it, but imagine it'd help..the way she told me to do it would be to have a towel or something ONLY around the part that you're holding it on, but then the bare part of the ice cube on your arm, with NOTHING in between your arm and the ice...also what's helped me was either excersising, like doing sit-ups and jumping jacks, or going to the gym, or going for a walk..ive done that several times and its helped me.

Keep trying to stop and keep praying
by: Ambreya

I am sorry to learn of the terrible things that you had to go through in life. 1st you need to know that none of it was your fault. 2nd you need to ask God to help you stop. Pray as often as you think of it. Pray when those visions come to your mind and when you feel like cutting. I used to cut and got over it years ago so I know you can too. The best thing to do if to find a different, healthy way of letting your hurt out. Try exercising as the comment before mine suggested. It is a great and very healthy stress reliever. Also try talking to a close friend or even someone from your church. You can even try coming up with a quirky mantra to tell yourself when you are upset or in a stressful situation. Example "I'm stronger than this" "I can beat this" "Pain has no gain" or something you think up. Also an idea is to wear a bracelet to cover your wrist that says something like "strength" or "WWJD" so that when you are tempting to cut you will see this and be reminded that you don't have do it, don't let it control you!

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