A New Way to Deal
(Fort Myers, Florida)
I was molested by my grandfather from the time I was 7 till the age of 10. I never really thought it affected me till i got into high school and saw the effects in my relationships. I also started having panic attacks and really weird physical issues.
Nothing was ever found wrong, so I dealt with it, everyone said I was fine. I started college and broke up with my boyfriend of almost a year and I slipped into depression. I finally decided to get help and started talking to a school councilor and while it helped, it made it worse. I was bring up issues I never knew were there. I was and still am obsessing over it. The first time I cut myself, it was an accident.
There was a teacher that looked and smelled and acted like my grandfather and he got close to me to answer a question and I was about to lose it, but instead I scratched up my wrist with a pin cap. I was an effective way to deal. So then when I was overwhelmed or need to see the hurt, or make a hurt that was easy to fix I would/do go into my room and cut my shoulder with a pocket knife. Nothing severe, just enough to see and feel. I am scaring myself lately cause I actually feel my arm throb when I am stressed, like it is calling out to me to cut it. I have even pictured running my pocket knife over my veins, and i am not suicidal!!! It scares me a lot. I know that would be a bad idea, so why do i keep picturing it in my head???
I did talk to a councilor about this and have the support of two amazing roommates, I just dont know what to do now. I know there are better solutions, but sometimes nothing works better to calm then to cut my arm and the clean it up and fix it. I know part of it is proving there is something wrong. I was told for three years that I was fine, that nothing was wrong and the whole time I was suffering from an anxiety disorder. I read the part about battle scares and that is a big part of it. The ironic part is I am ashamed to show my arms and make stupid excuses for the cuts.
Trying to deal with the molestation is bad t0o. i ignore it and it ruins my life and relationships. Try to deal with it and I ruin my body. If anyone has any ideas I would appreciate it. Thanks for taking the time to read my story.