38 and cutting again.

by Denise
(kansas)

I am 38 years old, I have 3 kids, a great husband, and a pretty good life. So why do I cut? And why do I hate myself for doing it?

My torment started at an early age - my brother being 4 years older and always stronger molested me. When I was 9 years old my brother started. I told my mother she said all brothers do that to their sisters. He continued and I told a few more times. My mother said she would talk to him but he never stopped. I just gave up and quit telling. I was around 14 when he finally stopped. I think it was because at the time I had a boyfriend that I was getting really close to emotionally and told him of one thing by brother did to me. I don't know if the boyfriend did anything but my brother stopped and I was glad. But he still scared me and I stayed away from him. I finished high school, started college, and got married. About 4 years ago my brother was convicted of rape and molestation of his own daughter. He is still out on bail due to an appeal. My mother won't speak to me because I worked for a year with foster care to get my niece with me. I started cutting during the trial. I felt so lost, sad, upset, and I blamed myself for her horror. The things he said to her were the same things he said to me. I think if I had done something sooner he wouldn't have been able to do this. I wouldn't talk to anyone about my feelings. I was so numb inside that I cut to feel pain - the emotional pain became physical pain which I could fix. My husband knows and so does one friend. They just think if I don't talk about cutting it will go away. My husband says don't dwell on it, think about it and you won't do it. He is not an insensitive jerk, he just doesn't know what it's like. I don't know how to explain it to him. Why is it that people think you can cure by just being happy?

Comments for 38 and cutting again.

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Lingering Pain
by: S'ambrosia

Denise,
I want to start off by saying that the Lord has really put women who were sexually abused as children on my heart in a serious way. As I've been doing more research into the subject, I've begun to see that there are certain lingering effects from childhood that carry over into adulthood when there hasn't been complete healing from the situation. My main focus had been breaking the stronghold of masturbation, but cutting and depression are also effects that surface. I want you to know that it is not abnormal for you to experience the desire to cut and the feelings you have about yourself after what you experienced. The incident with your neice also would be a trigger for these feelings as well.

I'm really sorry to hear about the molestation you endured as a child and I'm even more sad to hear about the response you received from your mom. I pray that you have been able to forgive her in your heart. Forgiveness is the biggest concern for healing from this. It'll take some time, but I want to encourage you to pursue forgiving not only your brother, but also your mother and most importantly yourself. The perpetuation of sexual abuse from your brother towards you and then to his daughter is NOT your fault. As a child, when he sexually molested you, your coping mechanism was to become numb and to isolate yourself. When your mom responded the way she did when you reached out to her, she reinforced the silence. It sounds like you did not have an environment that allowed for openess and trust, even though you tried. You did your best to inform an authority figure in your life, but no one listened. Please don't blame yourself. Don't let the enemy condemn you. He knows that as long you accept his condemnation, you cannot be healed, and that's what the Father desires for you. Oh, how His heart longs to set you free!

I could talk for a long time about this, because the healing of sexually abused women is something I'm very passionate about, but my space is limited on here. If anything I said struck a chord in your heart, I'd love to continue talking to you. My email address is sambrosiac@gmail.com. I'd also recommend that you take your niece to counseling. You can be a better support to her if you go through the healing process together, and the chances of warding off the long-term effects of sexual abuse are so much better when counseling is done as soon as possible! I'd love to keep talking to you and to support you, if you're interested. Regardless, I will be praying for you. Much love and many prayers.

YOU ARE LOVED DENISE
by: Anonymous

Denise, there are some Promises God used to anchor my soul and free my heart from the memories of past abuse. I share Them with the hopes that you are strengthened by the power of its Truths.
"Before the foundation of the world, I knew you; was intimately acquainted with you." Jeremiah 1 "Anything born of God overcomes anything in this world" I John 5. "I know the plans I have for you, they are ONLY good and not evil, for you to have an established future." Jeremiah 29. Denise, those Words filled my heart with the grace to finally stop allowing my past to affect my todays and my future.
Denise, you've got to accept by faith that the Love of God is yours;that you are truly more than a conqueror because God brought you through. Now find purpose in it; don't waste the pain. Our God promised to turn everything - Denise, EVERY SINGLE THING around for our good and for His glory. Let Him do that for you. Let the knowledge of His Love so fill your heart that you are empowered to overcome that THING which tried and (is still trying) to stop your purpose from being fulfilled. Denise, you are a survivor - you made it by the power of God. Now let Him do for you what He has done with all of us who trust in His Name - make of you that brand new creation in Christ.
Walk in the freedom of knowing that what the enemy tried to do, ABBA Father said "NO! Denise belongs to ME." Some may ask you like they did me, "how can you love a God who would allow such a terrible thing?" My quick response, "how could I not love Him who brought me through?"
God loves you Denise; it's not a cliche - it is absolutely True. You're going to have to receive it by faith - it's going to require a fight - but to know that Love - I mean, REALLY know His Love is so worth it.
Denise, God created you on purpose - He chose the time and location of your birth. But before He placed you in your mother's womb, He placed within you what you would need to be an overcomer by faith in His Son's Blood that purchased it for you.
You can be free from your past - yes, you can even forgive your mother and brother through the power of the knowledge of the Love of Christ.
Spend time in the presence of the Lord, read His Word and stand on His Promises. You may want to start with the Book of Psalms and allow those Words of Love to permeate your heart. Ask Him to open your eyes to behold wondrous things out of His Word, ask Him Denise, to open your ears to hear His Voice and give you direction, guidance and sweet sleep. That sweet sleep from knowing that His eyes are beholding you in love. Abuse robs all of that from you; let Him restore it back.
Our God is good Denise. He is kind and loves us so much. This world is not perfect; but our God is. He warned us that in this world, we would know pain and trouble, but He also empowers us to "be of good cheer, because He overcame for us all!"
Be ever blessed Denise, and please keep us posted.

God Has a Work for You To Do
by: Barbara

Denise when you have been molested by a member of your own family and the person you depend on to protect you does nothing, you suffer two forms of pain. Your self-esteem and self-worth is greatly damage. Cutting is like self medicating, you will do anything to escape the pain you harbor including putting yourself through more pain. Your life goes on and you may decease in engaging in the self destruction behaviors, but no matter how much you try, the pain from your past that was never dealt with is still there. After the same thing happened to your niece, you did everything you could to gain custody of her. What a demonstration of strength! You did not turn your back on her. God walked with you as you worked to get you niece because He knew you were the best person to help this precious child because of your own experiences. In Corinthians, it states that when are going through troubles, God comforts us so that we can in turn comfort another in their time of trouble. I feel that this is exactly what he has done with you and your niece. I am quite sure this entire incident has opened those wounds of the past that you had buried. Your cutting again is your reaching out for help now for both you and your niece. I am praying that that you will find a good counselor to work with both you and your niece. Denise, I know you don't want her to lack in confidence, have damaged esteem, or behind to engage in self destructive behaviors. Getting the help you both need will prevent this. Let me tell me how proud I am of you in that you would not allow anything, your brother, your mother or the foster care system to prevent you from getting your niece. You see how strong you are! Your niece, and possibly others, is the ministry that God had for you and you only. Seek help so that you can become whole again. I am praying with you and for you.

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